Aside from dealing with mastitis, i had a nice weekend. On Thursday my amazing husband asked the kids to make cookies with him to give my grandma for papa Jerry’s birthday. Hudson and Andlee ended up bailing on him but Char cherished that SO much. It was a wonderful one on one time for them both and i must say that the cookies were incredible. They were gone fast ha. On Friday we celebrated my papa Jerry’s 79th birthday as a family at my grandma and grandpa’s house. Up until that day we hadn’t transferred his ashes into his urn or set up the shadow box that we had made for him. It was more emotional for me than i thought that it’d be. I was unable to stay in the room at one point. I struggle every single day with losing Papa. Literally not a day passes that i do not cry over him. It’s the worst in the car for some reason. Everything in my life reminds me of him. Things he said, things he did, stuff that he loved or would have loved, the way that he smelt, ect. I will never be the same but i am okay. His loss was a harsh reminder that not only is our time limited with our loved ones but also the shit that mattered so much, doesn’t really matter at all. Like, i got a new car the night before papa passed away. I had searched and obsessed over what i wanted for weeks. We aren’t in debt aside from living expenses, thank God, but we had more vehicles than we needed as well as more money into one of them than was responsible so we got rid of two to get me one that worked best for all of our needs. I seriously spent most of my free time researching to find what i wanted. It took away time that could have been spent with papa. I was so excited that night to get the car and pocket the money for the difference between the two vehicles. I’d much rather spend it on my kids or add it to their savings accounts than have it in spent on vehicles. I felt super guilty as a mom and wife for having such big luxuries when that extra money could be spent a million other less biased ways. I never told Brian that. I didn’t want him to know my real reason for wanting a different car. We found one that was the same year, very nice, practical for our family, and about half of the price. I should have been obsessed with visiting my family though. Not a different car despite my good reasons for wanting to do what i did I should have spent that evening at the hospital with my grandparents. My biggest regret in life is the value that i held in monetary objects. You have no clue. I’ve slowly realized how big of a mistake that I’ve made. How horrible of me to want, want, want when my husband worked 7 days a week for his family. I see so many wives do it and I’m telling you right now how selfish that is! It’s probably the shittest thing that I’ve ever done as a wife. We dug a hole of debt when we had the chicken houses just to have nice stuff. Some of that stuff, we didn’t really use.l. We will never do it again. I won’t let us. If it’s materialist and we can’t pay for it out of pocket, we do not need it. We paid off our debts after we sold the chicken farm and are so blessed with the way that it all worked out but i totally get that most people can’t live debt free. I’m talking about digging a debt rabbit hole just to have a bunch of shit that you don’t use or need. Maybe it’s apart of my growing minimalist life style or maybe it’s because i learned the hard way. I don’t know but we have multiple weddings, proms, cars, insurances, college, ect to worry about — just to name a few big expenses. If you’re too wrapped up in the value of things you lose being wrapped up in the value of people. I don’t say that to judge, i say that with compassion as someone who has been on both sides and has regrets. Anyways, we ate dinner at papa’s and enjoyed each others company. It was nice. We needed to be together that day and though it was hard, it was peaceful at the same time.
Last night i went to Tulsa for a girls night with one of my best friends, Lauren. This girl has been such a solid for me. From checking on me every single day when papa died, i had miscarriages, or dad was sick to making me call her when i make it home from Tulsa so that she knows I’m safe to getting me an American Cookie covered in icing just because she knows i love them, she’s legit amazing. She’s also so positive and tries to see the best in a bad situation but at the same time she let’s me bitch and rant to her about someone that she doesn’t even know, without any judgement. She’s like a sister to me. We share clothes, tell our deepest secrets, talk without filter or fear of being looked down on, and so much more. Aside from the obvious (my husband, parents, cousin, and grandma) I have a few close friends like Lauren and let me tell you, if you don’t — you are missing out. Find you friends that it feels so natural and easy with. No drama. No one upping. No competition. No lying about dumb things just to look like you’re “better” (As if your social media paper trail doesn’t show the lies even if you delete or edit things to cover it up — screenshots of you telling people one thing then posting something totally different on your blog says it all. How embarrassing. You can’t be that dumb? How do you not laugh at yourself when you’re blatantly lying over and over? Clearly i get salty over people like that 🤷🏻♀️) No jealousy and if there is some you say it to each other’s faces. No fakeness. If you look bad in an outfit, they’ll tell you. If you look smoking hot, they’ll tell you. If you’re being to hard on yourself, they’ll say straighten up. You can be yourselves. The raw, authentic you. It’s so important in my opinion to have those types of friends in your life. The ones who genuinely care about you and are real. Find your no bull shit yet big hearted people and hold on tight.
Today has been full of resting, cuddling, and watching Shark Week. We’ve done nothing all day but relax (aside from me going to the ER early this morning with a high fever and severe boob pain). It’s been amazing to be home together without any thing to do. Brian was going to put Andlee’s bed together but with me feeling so horrible, he said ‘Let’s just be lazy!’. Y’all mastitis is no joke. It’s worse than all natural child birth, hands down. I actually cried at one point and I’ve never cried over physical pain that i can recall. It’s the most painful thing that I’ve ever felt and this is my 2nd go around. Last time was mild in comparison to this though. We leave for Florida in less than a week so i decided to go ahead and go to the ER this morning to make sure that it wasn’t something more severe. I typically am against using the ER for non emergency situations but i had no choice with it being a Sunday. I couldn’t wait another 24 hours. That’s how painful it was. I thought it was something major, to be honest. Thankfully the small town ER was vacant so i wasn’t holding up anyone else’s care and it ended up just being a blocked duct that turned into mastitis. I don’t take pain medication and i avoid antibiotics at all costs so I’ve had to find other methods to help me. I’ll do a post next about my natural treatments for a clogged milk duct and mastitis.
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