The pressure that society (specifically women/moms) puts on us is out of control. Every where you look you see some sort of shaming for not being a certain way. For not being an all natural mom. For not being a cool, modern mom. For not having a perfect marriage. For being too open about your marriage issues. For not breastfeeding. For breastfeeding past a year old. For not having a clean and clutter free house. For having a house that’s not kid friendly. For not staying home and raising your kids yourself. For staying at home and “doing nothing all day”. For not making homemade snacks for school. For having enough time on your hands to make homemade snacks. I could seriously go on and on and on. We are judged NO MATTER WHAT WE DO! Someone, somewhere has something to say about what we are doing and why it’s right or it’s wrong which leads people to shut down. It leads them to be afraid to speak their mind or feel secure in their choices as a parent/wife/person. I spent the first many years of my marriage “playing perfect”. I did not want others to see my struggle. I did not want others to know my issues. I did not want others to talk bad about me or judge me. I can not tell you how many times i cried to Brian about something that someone said about me. I hated the pressure that i felt to be a perfect wife and mom but I let it control me to some extent. I got married 2 months after i graduated high school. I was raised by a well off family who always “spoiled” me. I didn’t want to be a failure. I didn’t want to be that young dumb girl who went from daddy taking care of her to a wife with a bunch of kids who ended up divorced because she got into things too young. It was a pride thing for me to have a happy and perfect life.
HA!
What a dumb ass.
My life is wonderful. It is. Do not get me wrong. I am super blessed. I have healthy children, parents, a husband, grandparents, and siblings. I have an amazing family and friends. I have a normally happy marriage. I have a beautiful home. I have nice cars. I am loved and cherished. I have everything that a girl could want. But my life has been a reality check for me recently and it’s not the most comfortable thing to share but i do it. I do it because I’m not perfect and i don’t want people to ever think that I am or that i try to be.
I cuss in front of my kids. I wait until we have basically no groceries to buy any because i hate loading groceries into the house and putting them away. Which ultimately makes no sense because waiting just makes the job harder yet i wait because i dread it so much and put it off as long as possible. I forget my kids snack days sometimes and have to put fucking clothes on AND A BRA to run treats up to the school last minute. I don’t vaccinate anymore because i deeply and passionately believe that’s the safest choice for my family despite people calling me every name imaginable for it. I think that you’re a shit person if you let your baby cry it out. I’m trying my best to convert our family to all natural/homeopathic things but I’m also a hypocrite because we still eat fast food on days that I’m lazy and don’t want to cook. I have atleast 2 loads of dirty clothes in my house right now and 2 more loads that need hung up. I say mean things to my husband when I’m mad and have very seriously wanted to give up on us multiple times. I dread going places alone with my kids because I’m always nervous that they’ll be monsters and make me look like i don’t know what I’m doing. Which i don’t. I am all for legalizing medical marijuana. I am a proud gun owner and believe in our right to own guns but think that civilians have no damn business owning assault rifles or weapons capable of unloading a mass amount of bullets in a short period of time. I’m horrible at math. Like, i finger count. It’s embarrassing. I wear ear buds in one ear when I’m in my car to tune my kids out sometimes. I co sleep with Eilee and my tit stays in her mouth basically all night. My back is always killing me because i can’t sleep well that way but it keeps her from crying so i do it. Every morning i wake up and tell myself that I’m going to work out that day. I never do. I’m not super straight. Im attracted to anyone who has a good heart despite their gender. I spank my kids then feel bad about it but I continue to do it because it’s the only thing that actually works. I’m probably one of the most flawed people that is out there and this is just a glimpse of me but I’m okay with that. I’m making it. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m a better today than i was yesterday. It’s a process and it’s one that I’m not afraid to be open about. There is nothing authentic about perfection. Nothing. Zero. Notta. It doesn’t exist and if someone tries to be or look perfect, it’s coming from a place of insecurity. Trust me. I know. Don’t be afraid to be you. You’re going to be judged either way, most likely and there is serious empowerment in being real.
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