2) Breastfeeding is as good as being on a drug especially in those early weeks to months. Like seriously, oxytocin is the good shit. You ladies know what I mean. You feel as chill as a person could possibly get. Sometimes it's down right creepy.
3) Cramps! Those bloody post partum cramps that nursing your baby induces is worst than labor cramps! No one warns you about laboring after labor.
4) You leak, constantly so you might as well kiss light colored clothing 'good bye' if you don't have good bra pads.
5) You don't just leak during a let down (we will get to those). You leak randomly all day and don't even think about looking a crying babies way or else you're tits are gonna blow.
6) Let downs! The devil of all nursing. They feel like someone added 50 lbs weights to your boobs and decided to run a hundred needles across your nipples. That all to dreaded sensation tells you that your ass better be near your baby, a pump, or a towel because you're again, gonna blow!
7) Did you know that babies don't have to have teeth to bite hard? Well if you didn't know that than you've clearly never had a toothless 3 month old clamp down on your nipple and jerk their head to the side with your nipple still in their mouth. Us breastfeeding moms like to refer to this as nip lash and it's tragically a real thing.
8) Every time that you nurse in public you're rehearsing in your head what you'll say to the unfortunate soul that dares to say to make a negative comment about you breastfeeding in the open. 'No, I will not go to the nasty ass bathroom to FEED my kid. No, I will not throw a blanket over her head because believe it or not she doesn't like eating smothered under a blanket. You're husband's staring? Oh I'm sorry. Maybe you should throw a blanket over HIS head. Your kids might see? Oh no! That would be awful for them to see that boobs are actually on our bodies for a reason other than something sexual. Meanwhile there's tits hanging out all around us in low cut shirts, on magazines, on billboards, on commercials, on old ladies at church. You do know that you can simply look away, right?! Not to mention that it's our legal right in all 50 states to breastfeed in public covered or uncovered! Bye Felicia.'
9) You will get asked how long you plan to breastfeed. It's inevitable. You just will. And if you're answer is anything over 6-12 months you better get ready for the confused/disgusted looks. Never mind that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for at least 2 years of age. Mind your own tits, Felicia and don't worry about what I do with mine.
10) There is a certain freedom in living life basically bra less for the sake of easy access but if you can't go without a bra, you plan your entire outfit around how fast you can pull a boob out.
11) Blocked milk ducts and mastitis! You'd almost rather cut your arm off than to nurse through the discomfort but being a women and all you suck it up and fight through it.
12) Your baby doesn't always cry for you to nurse just because he or she is hungry. Nah, sometimes your little booby monster cries just to have you close and to use your poor deflated tata as a pacifier. And if you're super lucky you're baby will grab a handful of hair or boob to pull/pinch.
13) Hell hath no fury like a kid whose ready for some mama's milk. I'm talking head swinging, arm throwing, leg kicking fits that end the second their mouth hits that honey hole. Cue the hilarious yum, yum, yum/smacking/end of a cry noise that they make when that connection is made. Total contentment for baby and a sigh of relief for mom.
14) Your boobs are no longer recognized in a sexual way by your husband. Oh no, his ass better stay away from them at the fear of being unexpectedly boob shot at any point in time.
15) Breastfeeding is undoubtedly the most beautiful and amazing bonding experience that you can have with your baby despite the hardships listed above. It is absolutely one of my favorite things about being a mom. I'm the only person who can feed my baby. I'm the reason that she thrives. I'm providing her with safe and natural immunities to illnesses through my breast milk. It's empowering.
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