Bedroom Updates — Andlee’s Birthday Request

Our middle daughter turns six this week (on the 4th of July) and she has consistently been asking for bunk beds in her room for well over 6 months. We have disagreed with doing that because a) her bed is perfect for her room and b) each of our kids have their own rooms so there’s no practical need for bunk beds in a room. Brian and I spoke about doing a loft bed rather than a bunk since that would just be one bed area but again that didn’t make sense seeing as her bed is perfectly fine. We have fought this battle like crazy since Christmas. Our sleeping arrangements were inconsistent for awhile because of the move/living in the small cabin. The girls slept with me there and Hudson slept with Brian. Then after we moved into the big house it was new and scary to them at night time. Sometimes the kids slept with us. Sometimes they slept in one of their rooms together. Sometimes Brian slept with Hudson and the girls slept with me. It was all over the place but over the last few months as they’ve adjusted fully to our home they have all been sleeping in their own rooms by themselves. 

Andlee pointed out how ‘big’ that was of them and how she deserved a bunk bed so Charlee or Hudson could have “sleep overs” in her room some nights. I mean, who can say ‘no’ to that?! Needless to say — I will be posting a room reveal very soon and it will feature bunk beds. Not just any bunk beds but a bed with a trundle bed so ALL FOUR KIDS can sleep in there if they want to. 

**Shout out to my mom for finding the perfect bed for us. This is the exact bed** I am soooo excited to see it all done and to see their faces light up when it’s revealed to them. We are waiting for everything to get here in the mail and once it’s all here I will take the kids to grandma’s for the day while Brian and I put it all together/stage it so it’s totally finished when i bring the kids home. They have no clue. Andlee is going to SWOON! This is the exact bedding that i ordered for each mattress:

Once Andlee’s room is done we will be switching Charlee and Eilee’s rooms. I don’t want to have to worry about Eilee climbing out of her crib (she’s not close to that stage yet but I’m still paranoid) and falling down the stairs so her new room will be downstairs beside Andlee’s room. Luckily the wall colors are perfect in both of those rooms for an easy decor/furniture swap. I’ll probably reveal their rooms at the same time that i reveal Andlee’s. Hudson’s will be shortly after that. I’m completely redoing his theme and painting the wall behind his bed. We are doing a woodland/mountain/adventurer theme per his request while we were in Colorado. (Gotta keep things even and do something with his room too because you know, mom life). This will be the painting theme on his big wall. 

I plan to make the girls rooms post next weekend. Hudson’s may be sooner because I’m overly excited to paint those mountains and the decor is already here. Just waiting on bedding. Stay tuned and remember that parenthood is rarely practical, sometimes it’s simply about making your babies happy. 

Happy 1st Birthday to Eilee Leighton

A year ago today at 1:01 pm our sweet rainbow baby was born. It was such an amazing moment to meet the gift that we had so desperately prayed for after so much loss. She may have tried to come off and on for 10 weeks but when she finally did decide to come — SHE CAME ha! From 8 cm dilated to pushing her head out unassisted in a matter of about 2 minutes, it was eventful to say the least. Her natural, pain medication free, self assisted birth with a wonderful laid back birth team is what my dreams are made of. {Click here for her birth story} Holding the baby that we had waited years for and putting a name to a face was total bliss. She was perfect then and she is even more perfect now. Smiley weighs 19 1/2 lbs and is 32 1/2” long. She’s spunky and too goofy to handle at times. She scrunches her face and snorts while she rocks back and forth when she gets excited. She smiles CONSTANTLY. I have truly never met a baby as happy as her. She squeals instead of laughs. She dances and shakes her booty when a good beat drops. She is impatient and went from a few staggered steps at a time to running. She never mastered a walk first. With all things in life, she wants what she wants when she wants it. She gives the best kisses ever. They consist of all you can handle slobbers and an occasional bite as she makes this sweet “Mwahhhhh!” sound. She gives hugs by slapping you with both hands at the same time or head butting you out of no where then just holding her head against you. She hates being fed. She’d rather do it all herself. She is still breastfed which means that mama made it to her first big nursing goal. It’s some of my most cherished bonding moments and I’m in no rush to end that. Quite frankly neither is Eilee. She has soooo many ‘tricks’ and achievements. Blowing kisses, beginners sign language, waving, clapping to running, climbing, singing/humming, and so much more. I could write a book on all of the personality quirks and accomplishments that flow from that tiny little human but I’ll end on this, the joy that she brings to our family is unmeasurable. She is a gift. A wonderful, beautiful gift. Happy first birthday to you, my sweet Eilee Lou 🦄

 

Marriage — The Right Way to Fight

Marriage is so hard a times and the way that we address those hardships can often be a fight or a disagreement. It took Brian and i many years to learn how to fight the safe way. For most of our marriage when we’d fight, Brian would not fight back with me. He’d do and say whatever it took to make the fight disappear. He was a chaser. If I’d leave or walk away he’d come running begging me to stay. He’d do whatever it took to make me happy. I abused that. I abused it because i never really knew when he disagreed. He never told me that. He just told me what i wanted to hear. And i didn’t pry. I just let it be with me always getting my way. As his wife i should have been more attentive. I should have recognized that he ALWAYS did he same thing in a fight and that there was no way that he always agreed with me. He also hates conflict which should have been my other sign that he wasn’t being honest about his feelings. After many years of that pattern, he grew to resent me for making him always be the problem solver. I was 19 when we got married and to say that i was immature is a vast understatement. I was spoiled and a hot head. I was a fighter. Always ready to throw down with anyone who crossed me. The fact that he tolerated me with such grace, blows my mind. Anyways that resentment turned into anger. Fighting changed when Brian changed. He became harder emotionally. We are both stubborn and passionate people. We are very set in our ways and strong willed. We got to the point where we would fight fire with fire. Things could get very intense. We’d say mean things. Slam doors. Leave. Ect. We got to the point where we almost separated because we both had done so much damage to the other person with our words. Long story shorter, almost splitting up changed me which in return changed us both for the good. It changed us in a way that I’d give just about anything to of been like that early in our marriage. Brian and i walk away if it feels like things will get heated but that rarely happens because we are totally transparent with our thoughts. We can talk it out calmly. We do not raise our voices. That may sound childish or dumb but we just don’t do it and it made a huge difference. Neither one of us can handle hurting the other ones feelings in authentic moments so we have good heart to hearts and work it out peacefully if we stay open hearted. Sometimes we simply do not agree. In those cases we drop it and have to just respect each others differences. We are both tender now and before we were fierce. We had built walls and we were guarded. Fighting wasn’t really common but it wasn’t a safe place when it did happen. It was unstable and we got ugly with our words. My most important piece of advice is this, communication is key. Be open and stay calm during fights. Always be raw with your feelings. Do not patch work a disagreement by saying what the other wants to hear just to make the fight temporarily go away. Also don’t let one person carry the weight of being the giver. It should be a shared load. One shouldn’t be giving more than the other. One shouldn’t be the side that’s always making things better and giving into the other person. That’s not fair or loving. When you are in love, you are mush for the other persons feelings. When they are broken or sad, you feel broken and sad. When they wear their heart on their sleeve, you protect that sleeve. You hold it near and are it’s armor. When you stay kind and gentle during a fight you fight kind and gentle together. You resolve things effectively, quickly, and lovingly. In return, your entire relationship shows it. You shine for one another. You find a contentment that never goes away. You feel that innocent love that is fairytale like. Even in a fight. That mushy lovey dovey aspect is still there. I’ve been married for 9 years on August 1st (together for 10 years) and i have never been happier marriage wise. I have never felt more love for Brian than i do today. I love the way that he loves me and i love that when we argue it’s a safe place. Life is far from perfect. We have plenty of reasons to stress and be sad but our marriage is one of the constant lights in our lives. It’s so peaceful and cozy — as it should be. Don’t get me wrong, we have had a great marriage in general. We wouldn’t have made it this far if we hadn’t. But when it came to fighting we never got it right. It was either one always giving and one always taking or it was us both going all out in anger. It left a mark on us and that made us feel like we needed to protect ourselves when we’d argue. There was that ‘I’m watching my back’ vibe. You do not realize how much tension that can create even when you aren’t fighting. Changing that changes everything. I have always been honest about us. I’ve shared the ups and the downs and I hate that whole braggy, my perfect little marriage shit but i have to say that i feel that way about my marriage since we changed the way that we fight. I feel like marriage is a learning and growing together kind of thing but once you get it all figured out, nothing beats the truly beautiful place that you find yourself in. I can be watching a cheesy love story on TV in my room and literally get up and walk into the living room JUST to sit on Brian’s lap to cuddle because i miss him. I see those dorky romantic stories and feel excited about my own dorky romantic love life. He makes me so pathetically happy. I’d walk through the fires of our struggles over and over again to know what i know now. I hope this post saves some of you a lot of time and hardship. Take what i say to heart. You will not regret it. 

Break Time is Already Over

Within 3 days of making the post about taking a break from blogging i had SEVEN people ask me why I’m not going to blog anymore. I knew that I’d have a few reach out but i didn’t think that I’d have that many so fast. My family and i are currently on vacation in the mountains and for a few days of our trip i didn’t have much cell service. My husband actually forgot his phone at home so it was a total disconnect for us at times which was truly amazing. It gave me a lot of time to enjoy my family without distraction but it also gave me time to reflect when my loves were asleep and i was driving. My life has been a whirlwind of chaos and quite frankly sadness here lately. From my dad being hospitalized again to my brother almost dying in a car wreck to my papa passing away to another miscarriage to now finding out that my dad needs a heart procedure for several blockages, all of which happened in a 6 week period — life has just been hard. I’m a naturally loud and bubbly person. I have a ‘no time for bullshit, let’s all just have fun’ personality. I HATE negativity. I hate sadness. I hate pressure. I hate not enjoying life. All of which I’ve inevitably felt heaps of over the last month and a half. That whole saying, “When it rains, it pours” has never been more accurate. My life was in a damn near perfect place. Brian and i were reconnecting after our little clash and in a more in love than ever before. My family was all healthy and thriving. I was spending time simply cherishing everyone around me, visiting family daily. I was excited to grow our family (human and fur babies). I was back into health and fitness, consistently working out and eating well. I had let go of negative friendships and embraced uplifting people only. Everything was just peaceful. 

Then BAM! One thing after another. I’ve had the hardest time emotionally this week and i think that’s because i really took a step back and opened up to my own feelings. I was straight forward with myself and cut the shit. It hit me like a hurricane that my papa is gone. Until now I’ve pretended that he’s still here. I’ve refused to let myself go there in regards to his death. I just pushed it out of my mind and it didn’t ever feel real. I am broken over losing him. I am broken over the miscarriage. I am broken over my dad needing another heart procedure. In the last month i have felt so salty about things in my life and stuff that I’ve blown off for a long time, i didn’t want to be nice about anymore.I just straight up haven’t been myself and that’s okay. It’s hard for me to accept that but i have. It’s okay to not always be positive. It’s okay to not always feel happy or be nice. It’s okay to have bad times. That is life. We are human. If it wasn’t one flaw, it’d be another. We all have them. I stepped away from the blog because I found myself wrapped up in low key drama with another blogger. It was a petty and i being in the pissy place that i was, was a willing participant. I wanted out though so i thought that not blogging anymore would stop it. What i realized is that I can not let it bother me for another second. I am moving forward with my life and that DOES involve blogging. I am not going to quit something that i enjoy because of the actions of others. I love it too much to let someone else keep me from it. I can’t control other people but i can control myself and i can control not letting them influence me. I can control not reading or engaging in what certain people are putting out there. I am guilty of being a willing act in their shit show. That’s on me. I own it and admit it. I played ball and agged their game on. But i am done. 

I am going to start blogging on a schedule again so i will be posting at least 3 times a week. I have a lot of ideas to grow and improve this aspect of my life. I get so much feed back about the rawness of my posts that i want to continue that as i mourn and grieve my losses in hopes to help others but also in hopes to help myself by connecting with those who know what I’m going through. I want to bring you along on my journey to grow our family. Add to our homestead. Raise puppies. Raise kids. Raise a husband ha. Spend more time enjoying hobby’s such as photography, fashion, traveling, witchcraft, gardening, blogging, crafting, and cooking. I have a few collaborations in the works with other bloggers and businesses so if any of you are interested in that, let me know. It’s a great way to advertise for each other and help build our blogs/businesses.  

Love & Light 

The Importance of Family — Stepping Away from the Blog

The importance of family is probably the biggest thing in common that Brian and i have. We both have parents who married young and are still married to this day. We both have big families who live near. We both come from families who didn’t get divorced nor did their parents. Marriage and family has always held high value to us. They say it takes a village to raise a child — well try raising 4. It definitely takes a village and we are SO thankful for our village. Brian and i’s parents both live within 3-7 minutes of our home. They both live in the homes that we grew up in. Their homes are our homes and always will be. We see our childhood all over the walls in both of those houses. We see it on the land and in the trees that we climbed with our siblings. We tell each other as well as our kids endless stories about things that happen there. It’s the same with my grand parents house in town. My mom spend part of her childhood there and i spent all of mine there. Now we pass that on to our kids. It’s a lovely thing to have. Family is truly everything. I can’t imagine not having what we have. I feel so so sorry for people who do not have that to the extent that we do and that our children do. From the obvious amount of love coming from so many people to the never ending family get togethers to always having people that we can count on to raising the kids in three of the homes that we were raised in, it’s amazing. We get the gift of raising them in the places that we were raised but also raising them in the place that they got to be apart of creating with us. They helped us build this house. They helped us build the barn. They helped build fence. They were apart of designing it all. We love that. (Although my family would tell you that we live in the middle of no where and that our long drive way sucks ha, we still absolutely love it. I wouldn’t trade our true country living and that “long” driveway away from county roads for ANYTHING. The security that we have up here away from paved roads and people is not replaceable. Brian would say, “If you can’t pee off of your porch and live in peace, i feel sorry for ya.”. It’s true though. We don’t have to worry about our kids getting stolen or watched when they play outside. We don’t have to worry about them or the pets getting out and getting ran over. We don’t have to worry about strangers coming to our house. We don’t have to worry about yelling or playing loudly outside. We don’t have views on neighbors or roads. It’s bliss.) Anyways, family is just everything. Simple as that. We are always near ours. We are so abundantly blessed. Losing papa has damn near killed us all but at the end of the day i would not take the pain back at the expense of never having him! He is apart of us and we are all apart of each other. It’s the greatest gift that we have but also that our children have. 

I made this post to say this — I’m taking time away from blogging to focus just on my family. A lot of growing and changing is going on in our lives. We are busy enough as it is. I enjoy blogging and writing so much but i feel as if it’s became a distraction. Social media is the same so i will also be limiting time spent there as well. I enjoy being apart of everyone’s life and having them in ours so do not take what I’m going to say next wrong. 

I just feel like people’s focus sways towards others, what they are doing, and what they post about too much. It has become something that takes away from our own lives. I find people competing with each other in just about everything that they do/say and that’s not right for any of us. People need to live their own life and worry about their own families. Their own happiness. Life is not a competition. People do not need to turn everything that others say into some sort of invitation for them to respond to it in their own way. I feel like that has become common in society and i do not like it so i will simply take a step back to avoid it in my own life. My family and i are leaving tomorrow for a much needed vacation. I’m looking so forward to it. I do not know when or even if i will return to blogging so i leave you each with this — live in your own little world. Focus on family. Focus on yourself. Focus on happiness. No one on the outside matters. Do not feel like you have to be better than someone else or need to have more than they do. Don’t focus so much on competing with others that your life is all just a show. That can’t be a happy life. That must be misery. Do not let the little things stress you out. Do not care what anyone thinks of you or says about you. Be happy. Be honest. Be kind. And most of all, be yourself. Your own, one of a kind, beautiful mess. 

If you understand or relate to this post — take a break, disconnect, reset, and try again later. 

Live to be happy not to impress! 

Love, The Lane’s

To Disney World or Not to Disney World? That is the Question!

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY KIDS! Seriously, guys. I don’t get it. A month or so ago Brian asked me if we could go anywhere in the US, to pick it and we’d go. My first instinct was Washington/Alaska. Then i thought Maine would be amazing. However, i quickly realized that neither places are very kid friendly and they both are as far away from us as you can get which isn’t ideal when traveling with 4 young children. We’ve been to most other states in the US so we ultimately decided to go to Chicago, a beach on Lake Michigan, Madison Wisconsin, the Rainforest Cafe, ect since we hadn’t traveled there before. We booked our stay and i was counting down the days. The beach area on the lake is stunning. It looks like an actual beach/ocean but it’s better because there is no current or sharks. I was excited and looking forward to that get away. We were leaving June 27th. BUT THENNNN randomly yesterday Brian says, “Let’s just go to Disney World next week!”. I was shocked. He doesn’t like Disney World or Florida. He hates the heat and the crowds. He’s a mountain man through and through. Needless to say, i was beaming with an ear to ear smile. I actually cried over it. It’s been a shit show in my life and i needed a pick me up. If you read my recent posts you know that I’m currently experiencing a chemical pregnancy and that today marks a month since we lost my papa. My brother was in a scary wreck and my dad is in and out of the hospital again. We’ve had a horrible month. I really think that’s why Brian surprised me with the Disney World thing. He wanted to do something big that he knew would cheer me up. He is hands down the best! I get so emotional when i think about his love for me. I feel unworthy. Anyways, I called around and made sure that we could even get a room in Orlando and in Pensacola Beach. I started to pack. I ordered some last minute Florida needs/matching family Disney shirts online and had them 2 day shipped. I was pumped. But then i got to thinking about the details of a trip in mid June to one of the hottest places in the US. The lines for rides are hours. Only one adult can ride rides with one kid at a time because the other adult has to stay with the baby since she can not ride anything yet. Meaning, we’d be riding the same ride 3 times/waiting in line x3 just for all of our bigs to ride one ride. It’s blazing hot. I still breastfeed which sucks balls in the heat let alone tropical, stagnant heat in a packed crowd. It’s a 17 1/2 hour drive and flying is a no go for me with the kids. It’s just all around not practical at the ages that our kids are or with the month/weather there. We could just go to the beach for a week but that’s also not practical with little kids either. The current is scary so they wouldn’t be allowed in the water and they can play in the sand at home in their sand box. We would of just done 2 days at the beach if we went to Disney World too. We’d stay on a beach front resort so we can go in and out easily as needed to give the kids a sun break. But all in all i just don’t know if Florida is the smart thing to do. It broke me to do it but i shocked Brian and asked the kids without talking to Brian first to take a vote — “Disney or Colorado”. I wanted to let them decide so that i didn’t have the burden of them hating their vacation. If they don’t end up liking what they pick, that’s on them. Not me. Honestly, i thought they’d for sure scream Disney World and that I’d be able to let my practical mom mind go. It was their choice to go, after all. Joke was on me because without ANY hesitation they all 3 said Colorado. I tried to get them to change their minds. I tried to sway their choice. I pried and asked them why on earth they picked what they did. They said, “Because we’ve been to Disney World like a million times and we’ve only been to Colorado once!”. 

What. The. Actual. Hell. 

I’m 28 years old and could never get enough of Florida. It’s my spirit place. It gives me chills every single time that i walk down that middle street at Magic Kingdom and are the castle straight ahead. I choke up during the parades. I don’t blink during the firework shows. I am absolutely crazy about WDW. It is my top pick to travel to, hands down. I’m still holding out hope that the kids change their mind. After all, it’d be a birthday celebration for Eilee and Andlee just like it was for Hudson and I 2 years ago. It’d be perfect. I want to make my kids go so bad. I want to just say, “We are going to Florida and that’s, that.”. We will be leaving on Father’s Day evening to go on vacation but where that’ll end up being, who even knows. The OCD planning obsessed women in me is tripping out so bad over this. I hate going places last minute without a set plan but no matter where we end up, i know that we will have fun and it’ll be nice to get away. 

Binge Watch Must ALERT — Outlander

I’m a huge on binge watching shows. As a mom of four, my ‘me time’ has always been after my family goes to bed. I usually either read a book or catch up on my favorite tv shows. A lot of times that turns into binge watching new things. I just finished ‘13 Reasons Why’ so i decided to rewatch Outlander in light of it being renewed for two more seasons. THANK GOD. 

YALL this is one of my favorite tv shows to date. The books are incredible and i actually love the tv series just as much which isn’t common for me. I usually favor the books greatly over the shows. Outlander is about a women who travels through time 200 years back to the 1700s. It’s set mainly in Scotland. It’s a romance drama with a lot of action. I feel like in a past life that was the era that i lived in ha. I’m crazy about it and very drawn to it so anything set in the 1700-1800s instantly has my attention but anything set in a beautiful/magical over seas setting like the Highlands just tips it over for me. The show is absolutely incredible. I HIGHLY recommend giving it a go. You can watch it on Amazon Prime or catch it on Starz if you don’t want to buy the DVD’s and don’t have prime. This is my 3rd time re watching it and i actually never fell asleep last night because i couldn’t stop watching. That’s how good it is! I’m telling you guys — it’s a must. It’s intriguing and well made. The love story and era wraps you up. You feel like you’re living in that time. I’m just all around obsessed with it. I won’t sleep now until I’ve finished my binge. 

Disclaimer though: If nudity, cussing, and blood offends you, this isn’t the show for you. 

Finding Out That We Are PREGNANT Again!

Today i find myself mad. Despite every effort to be my typically bouncy self, i feel salty. Everything annoys me. Everything upsets me. Everything makes me want to cry. Today I’m not only suffering from a chemical pregnancy but I’m also grieving two lives — the baby that I’m losing and my papa’s. Tomorrow marks a month since he passed and it’s weighing heavily on me. I didn’t intend to share this at the moment with you guys. I was going to put on a happy face and keep this to myself as i process it but this week i found out that i am (was) pregnant again. I had ovulated 8 days prior to the day that we found out. I felt off and had been watching for symptoms so i shouldn’t have been shocked when we got our first positive but i was for some reason. I had just went out for a girls night which of course, involved drinking. At that point i had just ovulated and i knew that i wouldn’t be pregnant yet so i didn’t feel bad for drinking. I needed that little break and had a blast. But i truly didn’t expect to get pregnant so fast. Over the coarse of the week I got multiple light positives followed by 3 strong positive tests. I was over joyed. My due date was none other than Valentine’s Day. I felt like this was a gift from my papa. I just knew that this baby would be a boy. Regardless, he or she would have the middle name Wayne after my papa. I was so shocked that i hadn’t even processed it until 2 days ago. At that point i had planned out my whole pregnancy. My birth plan. Names. Nursery ideas. What the baby would be like. Winter birthday themes for both sexes. Ect. I was fully ready to welcome a baby in no time. Sadly, the evening that i really let myself get fully thrilled about it, i started bleeding. I do not mean spotting — i mean gushing. To the point that i was wearing women’s depends, the heaviest pad that they make, AND a baby diaper to catch it all. I sat wrapped in a dog potty pad with a towel around it. The cramping is severe. The heartbreak is severe. The anger is severe. The bleeding is severe. It’s all just overwhelming. If you aren’t aware of what a chemical pregnancy is, it’s a very early miscarriage. It usually occurs within a week or two of when your period is due (4-6 weeks gestation). This has happened to me many times because I’m so in tune to my body that i always know that I’m pregnant the moment that it happens, basically. I’ve never been father than 3 1/2 weeks along when i started testing and knew that i was pregnant. My doctor said that most women have had a chemical pregnancy and didn’t even know it because it mimics a cycle timing wise. He said that there are options that i can pursue to help avoid it from happening again but they are hormonal based which isn’t ideal when breastfeeding. Those medications are known to dry women up and I’m not any where near ready to wean my almost one year old. I won’t sacrifice that bond for the sake of getting pregnant right now. However, we do plan to keep trying. We aren’t letting this stop us from growing our family. I don’t understand why this happened. It makes me really mad, to be honest. It makes no sense and i can’t understand why God would allow this to happen the way that it has but i know with everything in me — he has a plan. He has a reason. We will have another baby (or maybe even 2) someday. I’m completely confident in saying that. 

I’m not really sure why i felt led to write this post but i want to leave you with this: it’s okay to be mad about things that happen to you. It’s okay to not understand why. It’s okay to question God’s plan. We are human. We are flawed. We are justified in our pain and grief. Don’t let the fear of losing keep you from playing the game. Cry. Sleep. Be pissed. Be sad. And when you’re ready, dust yourself off and get back up. Let yourself feel peace and not the remorse of looking back. Move forward with a new plan. I’ve felt this pain before miscarriage wise. I know my grief process. I know that i will heal and that it will all be okay someday. It’s intensified times a million this time though because of papa so it may take me longer to pick myself back up BUT i WILL get there. If you pray, keep us in those prayers please. 

Find You a Brian

 Brian and i have been discussing going alone on a mini get away to Florida for our anniversary in August which led us to go down memory lane about our relationship. The fact that it’s been 10 years in September blows my mind. I literally still get butterflies over him and when i think about all of our amazing moments. I’ll never forget him on his knees with tears in his eyes as he purposed. He walked me into his house and was telling me, “I’m so sorry that i lied to you. I feel so bad.”. I was sick. I thought he had done something bad. Nerves were going nuts in side of me. Then he said, “I wasn’t at work today. I was in Fayetteville having lunch with your dad.”. At this point we are walking towards the bedroom. When we hit the door way i see his bed made with a ring box on the pillow. You may not get the big deal about this so let me explain: Every single day i made Brian’s bed for him and mouthed off about how he was old enough to do it himself ha. The rest of his house was always spotless but his bed was never made. If you don’t know us, our relationship is light hearted and mouthy. We joke and flirt constantly. We pick on each other a lot so this was my way of picking on him. It was an inside joke kind of thing. Also, that bedroom was the first of many for us. The first kiss, first ‘i love you’, first night spent together, first baby made (our first angel baby), the first time crying together, ect. It was just a very special place to us. Anyways, he walks me into the room and sits me on the bed. He gets on one knee and says, “Today i asked your dad if i could marry you. We had lunch then i picked out a ring. I have never in my life felt what i feel for you. You drive me insane but in the same breath make me feel like i never really lived before i met you. You rock me like i didn’t know  that i could be rocked. I’m not sure about many things in life but you, I’m sure about. Marry me!”. 

He’s teared up and shaking. I’m bawling. I was shocked. We had talked marriage but i had no idea it was coming. I didn’t even look at the ring until after the kissing and hugging cry fest was over. I don’t think i ever even said ‘yes’ ha. I hadn’t told Brian much about what i wanted ring wise. I just told him that i wanted something small and simple. 

He said, “It was hard for me to find what i felt that you deserved. I spend 2 hours in the mall looking around for the one. I looked through microscopes at diamond clarity and quality. I looked at a hundred styles. I knew you wanted simple but simple didn’t seem like enough for you. It was hard. You deserve the best. But as i was about to give up a man stopped me from walking out of the store. He asked if i found what i was looking for and i said no. We got to talking and longer story short, he brought a ring out from the back. It was pretty, simple, your size, and perfect so i got it. I hope that you like it.”. 

Y’all IT IS FLAWLESS. It blew my mind how well he did. I even asked my mom if she told him what to get because i couldn’t believe how perfect it was. I never showed him a picture or anything. I just said simple. The ring never mattered to me so i didn’t get into details over it with him. I don’t like big or busy rings because i don’t really wear jewelry unless it’s a special occasion. Ultimately the ring didn’t mean shit. The man did. However, i will say that when i found the receipt a year later i about died. Six grand! He spent six thousand dollars on my ring. Not the wedding band. Just the ring. I’m not exaggerating. (It was actually $6k plus a few). I was so upset with him for doing that. I cried and cried. I would of rather not had a ring at all as have him spend that kind of money on me. He said that it turned out to be the most expensive simple one that they had but i was worth it. You have no clue how amazing this man is when it comes to the kids and i. He’s a mush for us. I was sick about it though. Obviously, it meant a lot and was sweet but still to this day i don’t wear my ring much because I’m scared to lose it. He keeps talking about adding another band for our 10 year but i feel like that’s wasted money on me. I doubt he listens though. I can see that spark in his eyes when he talks about it. He’s probably already purchased it, if i was a betting women. 

It seems unreal to relive those first year moments together. Falling in love was involuntary for us. It was fate and i believe that with everything in me. We grew up literally 100 yards from each other. Our families were neighbors and friends. My now mother in law baby sat my brother and i. My childhood adventures were partially on Brian’s family’s land. Brian will tell you to this day that his first time seeing me he told his best friend, Juke, that he was going to marry me someday. We hadn’t even spoken at that point. We didn’t date until a few months later. We have came through so many losses and hardships. I truly respect and love Brian more and more every single day. If you had told us 10 years ago that we’d be married with 4 kids (and adding more), we would have laughed at you. We both had other plans. But that’s how fate works, you get slapped with it when you’re least expecting it. 

As always, I’m transparent so you all know that we had our struggles but I’m serious when i say, find you a Brian. Find you someone whose love has no limits. Find a love that is worth fighting for. You don’t really know the strength of a marriage until you’ve watched your spouse fight unconditionally for you. It gives you an entirely new passion and respect for them. It reminds you that they are in this for you and only you. They are in it because their love for you is everything to them. 

Find you a man who takes silly family pictures with you, wears matching family outfits, and looks at you like Brian looks at me.

Growing Our Farm

Brian and i are constantly doing things to improve our homestead. A year and a half ago it was an untouched establishment. Now it’s thriving and beautiful. We literally built it from the ground up and made it what it’s grown to be. We’ve dozed parts of it, fenced it, built on it, gardened on it, put livestock on it, and created our own little perfect paradise. We made/are making it exactly what we want it to be. We are almost finished building both entry ways. They look so nice. I’m going to put solar lights on them and plant rose trees on each side that will climb the fence. We have an awesome vegetable garden going on. We have cattle, chickens, and horses. We have a cozy back porch area with bulb/fairy lights hanging around and furniture to chill on. The kids and i plant flowers everywhere that we can. We even have flowers on their swing set. We are about to lay a concrete parking area/side walk from the front porch to the back porch which will create flower beds on the side and back of the house so i will have a big place to plant flowers. Brian is having them pour us a fire pit area with a slab for seating around it too. I’m super excited about that. Our store bought pit seemed like a good idea at first but we definitely need something much bigger. We have so many bonfires with the kids and friends. We actually cook over the fires and use it for heat during the colder seasons so it being little and cute/for looks doesn’t work for us. We need practical. Right now we are finally finishing our barn. Brian, family, and his friends built it by themselves so it’s a work of love (or hate depending on the moment ha). The back side will have stalls for show cattle and the east side will have a welping and raising area for puppies. There will also be a tack/show equipment room and 2 storage lofts for all of my Christmas decor. Lord knows there’s soooo much of that. Our place is seriously our prize. Like, i highly doubt that a person could be any more smitten with where they live. We have such a connection to it all because we created every single part of it solely from our imaginations. We put all of us into it. My papa Jerry would be so happy to see our new cattle here and all of the farm work that we’ve done. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this on here but my papa knew Brian before i did. Papa and Brian were friends from the time that Brian was in high school. When he found out why i was dating he lit up. He was so happy and their friendship only grew deeper over the last decade. His loss has broken us both. Brian would be doing all of this cattle stuff and barn building with papa as his wing man if papa was still here. I think that’s partly why it’s so special to us. We know he’s smiling down. Ugh and just like that I’m bawling. I miss him so much. It hurts. 

Anyways, my point of this post is to say this — you can never go wrong by taking pride in your possessions. Never. Take care of your things. Work on your things. Put your heart and energy into your things. It is so incredibly rewarding to watch your home thrive and grow. We are truly obsessed with our place in the almost pathetic of ways and that’s because we always work at improving it. It’s not a braggy thing, it’s a excitment thing. We love it and think that it’s so perfect. 

Whether your home isn’t where you want it to be yet or it’s a giant ass mansion that cost you millions, TAKE PRIDE in it. It’s free to keep things tidy. It’s free to be proud of what you have. It’s free to work at what you can. There’s always going to be ways to make it better. If you can put money into it, awesome. If not, that’s awesome too. Keep it clean if that’s your thing. Keep it well manicured. Keep it your style with what you have on hand. Look into diy projects with natures objects. I’ve smade decor from sticks and yarn. It turned out adorable. You can find things around the house to make. You can also find stuff cheap on local Facebook groups or at yard sales. The jist is to just always be proud of what you have and work to keep it, what ever it may be, top notch. And hey, if messy is what makes your soul happy, get messy. Go messy. Be messy. Do you, boo and be proud doing it. 

Our barn and fences will be totally built this week. After that bring on the little farm critters, honey, and let’s make this old McDonald’s farm just like we said that we would! I seriously can’t wait to continue to grow our homestead!