We all know how much i love breastfeeding and how special it is to me. Not all moms have success with nursing. Some don’t try it. Statistically speaking most that do try it give up early on. Some don’t have a choice in the matter and truly can’t do it for whatever reason. But not a lot of moms make it to a year (or 9 months in my case) so it’s fair to say that it’s something to be proud of. Especially when you have 4 young children and a lot on your plate to take care of/keep up with. Generally, I’m not the bragging type. It annoys me. However, with this I’m very braggy because it’s a huge deal to me. It’s huge to of stuck it out through the hard times and that’s what this post is about — the hard times of breastfeeding!
Where do i even begin?
Not having help to feed the baby! So many times, millions of times, i had to stop what i was doing and feed the baby. Whether that was while i was in the shower or going to the bathroom or while i was cooking dinner. While i was getting the older kids dressed or helping them with homework. While i was out in public in the middle of loading my things on to the belt to check out at Walmart or in the car while i was headed somewhere and already running late. While i had just sit down to eat at a restaurant so i had to excuse myself to nurse and take my food home to eat alone while everyone else ate at the table. Up every 30-60 minutes to nurse the first several months of her life and even occasionally now when she’s teething. I could go on and on about nursing on demand with no help. It’s extremely inconvenient. I wanted to hand her to Brian and tell him to feed her many times but i didn’t give up.
Raising 4 kids and breastfeeding full time isn’t for the faint of heart. My kids ALL need me. They all need me in different ways and at different times, sure but they have also all needed me at the same exact time. I’ve made dinner, did homework, wiped poopy butts, played t-ball, taught them how to skate, given baths, did laundry, cut hair, cleaned house, decorated cookies, read stories, broken up fights, coached cheerleading, went on field trips, and a million other Mom things with a nursing baby strapped to my chest. I’ve had to learn how to meet my families needs while also meeting my infants nutritional needs on my own. I’ve cried more times than i can count because i felt like i was in over my head but i didn’t give up.
Let’s talk about thrush! No, i don’t mean baby’s mouth kind of thrush where just the baby is sick! I mean thrush in your nipple! Yes, that’s a real thing. Yes, I’ve had it. Yes, it was hell. Yes, i had to nurse through the pain even though nursing made the pain way worse. I have a good pain tolerance. I’m undeniably tuff but i wanted to break down and cry from the pain of nursing through thrush with cracked and bloody nipples. It wasn’t my finer times in life but i didn’t give up.
Nursing in public, no matter where you are! Lord have mercy y’all. The judgement is real. I had to prepare myself emotionally every single time i went out. I had to prepare myself to not lose my shit on the unfortunate soul that dared to comment negatively to me about feeding my baby. I’ve always stayed mindful of the situation. If kids are around, I’d cover up and find a secluded space in the open to turn my back to the crowd. I’d never flash nipple or flop it out when men were talking to me or can see. I simply feed my kid and go on with life but society can make that harder than it should be. For many months, i stressed about feeding her on public. I avoided being out during her meal times. I nursed in the car before we went in places even if she wasn’t hungry, i still tried to get her to eat to “top her off”. I don’t do that now. I’m very bold in my right — my LEGAL right — to nurse in public but it was still a hard hurdle. Many times i wished that i could just pull out a bottle to feed her by societies acceptable standards but i didn’t give up.
Having to avoid some of my favorite outfits because they were not boob accessible. Specifically dresses that weren’t low cut or the neck line wasn’t flexible. I miss some of my maxi dresses so much. I’ve wanted to pump a bottle full just to be able to wear them even though Eilee prefers breastfeeding over the bottle and only takes it when she’s very hungry but i didn’t do it.
Leaky boobs, anyone? Try finding your own peace with the fact that you’ll most likely have wet shirts where your nipples are every day. Try placing all dignity aside because this is simply your life now. Nursing moms get me. You know, that chill your get when you’ve began to leak and wind catches your boobs? The chill that tells you that you’ve dribbled through your outfit in public, yet again. Oh holy joy. Despite the constant embarrassment of wet tatas i didn’t give up.
What about the fact that your boobs are no longer for sexual pleasure? I’m a boob girl. Brian’s a boob boy. I like my boobs and i like Brian being friendly with my boobs — as does he. It’s our thing. It’s what works for us at the drop of a hat if you catch my drift. Well, it WAS our thing. Now i karate chop him if he even LOOKS at them. They are a hands off zone, sadly for us both. In many, manyyyyyy moments of passion I’ve wanted to have our playmates back but i didn’t give up.
Biting! Our newest struggle in life. If you’ve ever been bit by a baby you can attest for my next statement! Their bites are horrid. The power behind their little jaws should be illegal. It’s intense and a big challenge to safely get them to let go. The first time that she bit me with teeth i bled! She bit down and i jumped/involuntarily pulled my nipple out of her mouth while she was still clamped on. It cut the bottom of my nipple. I thought that she had bit it off and that’s not being dramatic. I genuinely was terrified to look down at my boob in that moment. I just knew that a chunk of my nipple was gone. Imagine peacefully cuddling and nursing your sweet baby in a calm moment of endorphins and happiness, damn near asleep, when BAM a mini alligator chomps down on your tit out of no where. It’s tragic. I nurse on egg shells sometimes waiting for the slightest glimpse of her tightening her jaw. I could have given up that very first time right then and it would have been totally justifiable. But i didn’t.
So now you know why I’m proud of myself for making it this far and for being determined for make it years farther. Now you know why i talk openly about my breastfeeding journey. Now you know why I’ll defend breastfeeding moms until the day that i die. Now you know why I’m a passionate advocate for it. Now you know why i don’t hold back when it comes to bragging on myself for it. It’s been very hard but it’s been the most beautiful thing that I’ve done for myself and my babies. If i could grab every single mom by the face who wanted to give up and tell her how absolutely amazing she is and how overwhelmingly rewarding breastfeeding is at the end of the day, i would. It’s moments like the one in my picture that reminds me how worth it breastfeeding is. Moments when your rainbow baby looks into your eyes with love and reaches up on her own to hold your hand. It’s smiles through the suckle. It’s the spiritual and physical bond that nursing creates. It’s worth every single hardship.
My own little disclaimer: I’m not hating on or judging moms who don’t nurse or who gave up on it. I have been that mom who gave up. I’m simply sharing my own emotions and thoughts on MY breastfeeding journeys.
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