With spiritual growth ALWAYS comes change. Maybe it’s good. Maybe it’s hard. But none the less it does always involve change. If you follow my social media pages you know that I recently re dedicated my life to the Lord. (With that came a huge change in my followings. I unfollowed and blocked alot more people but I also had people unfollow me when the word ‘God’ started making it’s way into my day to day content. I am more than good with that. In fact, I think that it’s important to stay in alignment with situations and people that make you happy or want to be better.)
Anyways, for the first time in my 31 years of life I genuinely gave my all to God.
I was raised in church. Not only was I raised in church from infancy but my parents were youth pastors while I was in school. If the church doors were open, we were there. I was saved as a child and I knew what that meant. I wasn’t following those around me or forced into it. I made that choice for myself. However, as I became an adult I strayed. I started having kids and focusing on my family. I was busy. I was young. I was content with my sailor tongue and partying a few times a year. I was content with the occasional gossiping and drama. I was immature and always on the go. ‘I didn’t have time for church or to invest myself into God.’.
I also didn’t always resonate with Christian beliefs so I spent some time confused where I fall into Christianity. I believe in basic human equality rights to marry who you love (within obvious reason) or to not be seen differently because of the color of your skin. I believe in trans rights to join the army and would proudly thank them for their service just as we all do for heterosexuals. I believe in medical freedom and don’t support mandatory vaccines. I support legalizing marijuana within certain limitations. I don’t expect abstinence until marriage from my children although I pray every day that they do wait. The emotional and physical toll that having sex too young brings isn’t something that I want my kids to go through. I will have an open relationship with them in regards to sex when that time comes and they are old enough for those talks though. I support things and parent in ways that don’t always align with God’s word and that could make me a ‘bad witness’.
But here’s the thing friends, Christians aren’t perfect. That’s a label that society smacks on them to use as an insult when applicable. Christians can be your friends advocating God’s spoken word to love our neighbors by still supporting those who live differently than we do. I can love each and everyone of you without condemnation. As they say, I’ll leave the judging to Jesus.
I blamed the fact that I’m not a ‘perfect Christian’ for why I wasn’t an all in Christian.
The truth is, It was way easy to stay a lazy Christian.
A Christian that had secured my spot in heaven so that was good enough. I prayed. I believed in God. I read the Bible. But I also left God out of conversations that I knew He was tugging on me to include Him in. I used not wanting to be a bad witness as an excuse because I didn’t want to commit but also I really did feel that way. I wasn’t a flawless witness. I was one that doesn’t fit that Bible thumping, anti LGBTQ mold. Despite the bad witness excuse there were other reasons that I lived comfortably in that ticket to heaven but no jewels on my crown kind of gig.
Truth is, I was so lost. I didn’t know it at the time. I held it together and functioned like a responsible mom of multiples but on the inside I wasn’t all there. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so out of place in my own life and like something wasn’t right. In part it was reoccurring miscarriages that left a hole but this feeling started years before those losses. They just intensified it. I had every reason imaginable to be thrilled with my life. I knew that I was insanely blessed yet there were times when I felt unfulfilled.
One day my husband and I were having a conversation and he said to me, “My family will be something that the devil runs from. We will be a threat to him. My family will be a witness for the Lord and all this loss will make sense!”. He was raw. Genuine. Full of tears and hope. It was the first time that he had said that to me. He’s been on his own spiritual journey with the Lord for about 2 years now. Reads his Bible every day. Praise and worship music is always on in his truck. Mentioning that we should get back into church full time. Praying over me out loud. Bringing God up as often as he could. His glow and heart has always been special but this change in him was by far the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen. I noticed it and felt drawn to it but still wasn’t ready.
I have seriously fallen more and more in love with him than I every imagined possible. There is nothing more attractive than a gentle, loving man of God. Let alone one that started the journey on his own and never made a big deal about it. Never told me until I asked. Showed me through his actions that something had happened inside of him. He never forced me. He never asked me to change with him. He never pushed it on to me. He prayed and he waited on me. He is a gift to our children and I.
As for me, It was honestly through the miscarriages that I became closer to God. Loss after loss. Hitting rock bottom (I thought) just to hit it even harder the next time. During my 3rd loss in the last year I didn’t want to believe in God anymore. I was mad at Him. At my body. At my mind. At my grief. At my pain. I didn’t want to be attacked anymore and I didn’t know if I wanted to continue to be a Christian. It’s very hard to admit that. It’s uncomfortable and shameful. But it’s real. If it wasn’t for those losses I don’t think that I would have ever gotten to the point that I am.
However, a week into that same loss something triggered in me. I made a commitment to not live in that dark sad place anymore. I didn’t focus on God one way or the other. I focused on me. On my heart. On my kids. On my husband. On my hobbies. On my job. On our new homestead.
I focused on things that made me happy and I let go of what was holding me down. Friends. Feelings. Groups on Facebook. Toxic IG pages that brought out parts of me that didn’t make me a better person. I did me work.
Looking back though, it wasn’t just me accomplishing those things. It was my family and most of all it was God. He was changing my heart before I even realized it.
In that exact moment when Brian spoke his truth to me and said what God has laid on his heart, a rocket went off in my chest. I can’t explain it other than saying that I felt like a fierce warrior. I was done being a victim. I was ready to fight His battle against satan. I was done letting satan attack my family. I was done letting satan use me to bring down my husband because my struggles were also his struggles. I was done letting God, Brian, my children, and myself down. I was done being a half in Christian. In one second my whole world changed. I still feel that burning fire, heart racing, passion for Christ in my chest. I love Him. I love what He has given me. I trust Him and His plan for my future. I am His. I want to be someone that is not only a genuinely good witness but also someone who makes those that I love PROUD!
I want to share His world and His story in my life.
I want to scream His praises from the mountain top.
I get it now.
I want to show people that Christians aren’t a one size fits all so please don’t see us as such. I’m not a perfect Christian and I never will be but I genuinely love people and want to support them even if it’s not always an agreeable subject.
I want to serve and stop holding back.
I get what Brian has been feeling for the last 2 years.
I get why so many Christians seem in your face. It isn’t to shame you or push you into believing what we believe. I’m still me. I still love and respect all of my non Christian friends. I still am an advocate for legal and moral equality around the board. I still slip up and cuss. You will find flaws if you look, I promise.
But I get it. When your soul feels so changed and empowered and safe and peaceful YOU WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. It isn’t a pushy thing or a judgement thing. It’s a happiness thing.