Last night I left Eilee for the first time since she was born. My best friend Lauren and I went to the movies to see Bad Moms Christmas and had dinner/drinks during the show. With my older kids the first time I left them they were 10 plus months old. I’m really big on the whole ‘I had my kids, I’ll be the one who raises them’ thing. I take pride in being a mother who took/takes care of her children 98% of the time prior to them starting school. Being a mom and raising them makes me indescribably happy. I always say this but it’s a dream come true and was my biggest goal in life. However, I simply need a break sometimes. I’m a mom first, always but I’m also a young 27 year old free spirited girl. I enjoy adult fun from time to time and Iike going out for a few hours with my girl friends. Leaving E was hard on me. I originally wasn’t nervous at all. I was just pumped to have a reason to get dressed up and to go out for a bit. We introduced her to bottles 2 weeks ago. It took literally 15 plus brands to find one that she didn’t gag on.
(I’ll be posting more specific details/a review on it as well as all of the others that we tried later today)
I knew that she’d take the bottle for Brian so that didn’t worry me or I obviously wouldn’t have left her but the entire drive to meet my friend I stressed out about leaving her. I kept calling and checking on her. I told Brian 20 times that I was just going to turn around and he told me to stop being psychotic ha. I think it offended him that I was checking on them so much. Like I didn’t trust him with her which again, obviously wasn’t the case or I wouldn’t have left her. It all boiled down to me feeling guilty. Extremely guilty. It hovered over me big time but I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’m going to give all of you the same lecture that I gave myself yesterday.
We are moms. Our kids define us and become who we are. They take over every moment of our lives and turn us into someone who lives for, in my case, four tiny humans. They are my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I go to sleep. I’m not ‘Callee’ anymore. I’m ‘mom’. My vehicle screams ‘mom’. My style screams ‘mom’. My cheesy childish sense of humor screams ‘mom’. My hand sanitizer hanging off of my Coach purse screams ‘mom’. My pathetically amazing knowledge of cartoons screams ‘mom’. I reek of motherhood and I (we) are internally grateful for that. We are grateful to be moms and to have a life that revolves solely around our kids. We can cry the big cry simply by thinking about how blessed we are and how much we love our babies. We emerge ourselves in taking care of others and we deserve breaks! We deserve a few hours out. We deserve to get our nails or lashes done. We deserve to have drinks with a friend. We deserve a date with our husband. We deserve a weekend get away kid free. We deserve to piss alone. We deserve to take time to find ourselves again and to simply be/feel young. My goal for this coming year is to spend more time finding ‘Callee’. To do more things for myself. That might sound selfish to some but you know what, I don’t care. I know how much I do for my family. I know that they define my every waking moment. I know that I can do things for me without sacrificing a single thing for them. SO CAN YOU. Don’t let guilt or shame stop you from being the part of you that isn’t JUST ‘mom’.
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