Ever since we had Leighton I've been super sappy about how much my babies have grown. Time is going faster than ever before. I lay in bed haunted with the feeling of my babies not being babies anymore. We will hit a stage in life when they might not like me and when they don't let me snuggle them. That's probably one of the most heart crushing thoughts for me. The day when my kids are no longer kids. Granted I have several years for that to happen but the hard part is that it will happen and it seems to be coming way too fast. I still feel like that 20 year old who just found out that she was finally going to have her first baby and that the baby was a girl. Now I'm the 27 year old mother of four and my bigs are way too big. They are tying their own shoes, writing their own names, picking out their own clothes, and getting mad at me about the way that I style their hair. I snuck in on my daughters having a full blown 'boys' conversation. I listened as they talked about a cute boy in their class whom wore a green stripped shirt that day and was funny. They giggled when they realized that I was listening to them and wouldn't answer any of my questions about said boy. That was a secret between sisters that they weren't going to share with momma. Hudson came home last week bragging about how he 'held a pretty white haired girls hand on the play ground' that day. It turns out that he held a blonde high schoolers hand that I know. She sent me pictures on Facebook. He's such a flirt when it comes to what he calls 'big girls' not girls his age. It's all cute now I suppose but it definitely gives me anxiety about the hopefully FAR future. I watch my tiny little humans walk down the big halls at school all by them selves as I follow steps behind. They walk to their own rooms, put their bags away, then come back out to meet each other in the hall to go to breakfast together. Hudson finds his cousin/best friend and no longer looks my way. From time to time I catch them in rare moments when I'm leaving the school. Moments when they don't know that I'm still there. Yesterday Hudson and Thatcher were skipping down the hall hitting everything that they passed. Boys ha. The girls will go gather with their girl friends and all hold hands on the way to the cafeteria. It's just overwhelmingly emotional for me because I feel like babyhood is creeping, no more like FLYING, away. Eilee sleeps all night now and despite my desperation for sleep in that first month I now miss nursing and cuddling all night. I can see why moms breastfeed so long. I will be that mom and eat my words yet again about weaning at a year old. She's cooing and giggling. Trying to roll over and has great head control. Don't judge me if I've been avoiding tummy time because I'm not ready to hit that roll over mile stone. Why can't babies just stay little forever? Why can't a year really be like 5 years and everything stalls out for long periods? Why is momming so damn hard and emotional? I can't be the only parent who gets depressed about this.
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