Our Decision on Birth Control & Future Babies

This is a touchy topic for me. Birth control and I have a long history of very hard times. I've yet to find one that I don't have horrible side effects on. I had decided to try the low hormone IUD. It's literally the only birth control that I've not tried. I've always been against an IUD because of horror stories about it causing girls to miscarry or lose their fertility. However, with it being the only thing I've not tried and me having 4 children now I was going to go ahead and give it a go. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore and birth control is really happening, I'm chickening out on that choice. I'm going to stick with a diaphragm. To be honest with you I'm struggling emotionally. For some reason when I think about taking birth control it feels like I'm pulling the control to have more babies out of my hands. It feels like I'm closing a door. I don't know why I feel that way but I do. It haunts me. I just want something that's natural and can be reversed in a single second when the time comes. 

On that 'when the time comes' note, we plan to have another baby in 2-3 years. Brian is hesitant about waiting if we are going to have more because he says that he's getting too old but I know that he'll be just fine ha. He's not old. I won't lie, I'm already pondering baby #5. Names, picture ideas, nursery themes, when we will start trying, ect. I'm crazy, I know. I just seriously love pregnancy and newbornhood. Every day that passes with Eilee I become more and more emotional. She's a week old now and it flew by. It breaks my heart. I can't imagine my baby raising days ending. We went through a stage during my pregnancy with E when we thought that we wouldn't be having more kids because of all of my preterm labor scares but now that we have an awesome OB who will take precautions early in my next pregnancy to stop preterm problems and now that I have carried a baby to almost 39 weeks, we feel comfortable having another. When I'm at that point in life where I am for sure never having another baby, a big part of me will die. A part of who I am will be gone. I dread it with every ounce of my being. I would never stop raising kids if we were rich. Having five kids will push it financially I'm sure. We will have to give things up like big vacations and getting new cars every year and our kids will have to work hard to earn college scholarships but it'll be so worth it. Most people don't understand me and why I feel this way about having a big family but mom life is my life. Nothing will ever change my heart for that and for growing our family. To all of the women who understand how I feel, you're my kind of people. Let's be friends ha.