Spending Quality Time with Your Kids

Today is an overly emotional day for me. I'm not sure if it's pregnancy hormones or the fact that I'm enrolling the girls into Kindergarten and Hudson into K-4. I've cried all morning and just sat holding Hud. We've read books and watched his favorite movie. Knowing that my babies are about to be in school together reminds me why quality time with them has always been top priority for me. 

Spending time around your kids and spending quality time with your kids are two very different things. As a mom to multiple children whom has also had parenting classes in fostercare training I have a strong opinion on how time needs to be spent with my kids. As I've mentioned a few posts ago, I refuse to be the mom who always hold her baby and neglects QUALITY time with her older children. Baby wearing and doing everything from household chores to playing with my kids is how I've gotten through daily activities but that wasn't my quality time with the kids. Quality time is time without distractions. Time engaged and hands on with each child just you and them. Even if the baby is asleep on you, your older child will always remember that you did everything with the baby there too. It's like having a cell phone out at dinner time. It's rude and it's a distraction. It sends the message that the people you are having dinner with aren't worth your full undivided attention. We have a strict no phones rule at dinner time for this reason. Also my mom and I have a no phones rule when we go out together because we are there for one another. The phone is a distraction from that quality time. 

Just because I can 'do it all' with a baby strapped to me doesn't mean that I'd be doing it all right. My kids need to know that they are their own person to me. Their alone time with me is sacred and I'd be taking away from that if I brought a 3rd party into our alone time. Not to mention that it'll probably be hard enough on my older kids to suddenly have life all about the new baby. Even if they don't show it, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that kids that age recognize the shift. Babies take a lot of time. They are tiny and cute. Everyone wants to hold them and everyone goes on and on about them. You see it on social media all of the time. People posting a billion pictures of the newborn in their family and just a few pictures of their older kids until the newness of the baby fades. It's sad. Honestly, it seems like an out with the old and in with the new kind of thing. And if it's looking that way on social media how must those older children feel? That breaks my heart. I have a soft spot for kids all feeling just as special and just as equal as eachother. That's why I became a foster mom and that's why it's such a big deal to me to keep things totally equal after the baby gets here. I want all children to feel unique as individuals. Before I ever became a mom I knew that I wanted a lot of kids so there were a few things super important to me. One on one time, never playing favorites, and making them all feel like they are their very own person were the biggest things that were a huge deal to me. I knew that it was my choice to have several kids and because of that I never wanted to neglect any of them emotionally. I've kept those things top priority and it's not been hard to do because they are the same ages but with this new baby coming I know that things will change. Simply making it day to day and 'raising my tribe' isn't good enough for me! Being a minimal mom who gets shit done with kids everywhere isn't good enough for me. Sure at times during each day that's how it goes. I'd never get anything done of that wasn't how I did the basic stuff. But that's not our entire day. I do alone time every day with each kid (meaning ONE on ONE). I want there to be a individualized bond built with each of my kids and I. I don't want life to always be about our group. I don't want to just slide through parenting and each day. I don't pat myself on the back because I have taken care of 3-5 toddlers by myself. Anyone can take care of a bunch of kids. Just because it gets done doesn't mean that you're giving those kids the time and love that they deserve. I'd rather call my mom to come over and hold my fussy baby while I spend alone time with my other kids any day over being able to 'brag' about not asking for help. That doesn't do my kids any favors and I'll proudly put my ego aside to do what I know is right for all of them. Some people don't think that quality time is important. They raise their kids like a herd of cows and call it good but that's not me. Charlee, Andlee, and Hudson will need extra attention from me and JUST ME after the baby comes. Even if I believed that they didn't need it, I know that they deserve it. I don't want life to revolve around the new baby. I want things to stay just like they are. Equal quality 'just us' time each day. I highly doubt that I can't make that work without needing help. I've done it over and over before. BUT if I do need to I will do what's best for my kids not what's best for my humility. I have no shame in asking for help and neither should anyone else. I'm just a mom. Having many kids doesn't make me special and it definitely does not make me freaking super mom. I cringe when people insinuate that I'm anything special because I've had a bunch of kids and been a foster mom. I'm not special. I don't need to do it all alone nor do I want to. I love my village of support and I cherish them greatly. My kids are some of the most loved kids in this world. They have so many people who would die for them and who go out of their ways to spend time with them. 

I wish more people realized how important alone time with their kids is and made it a priority. We shouldn't settle for anything less when it comes to our babies. I promise you that it's not that hard to do but it is so, so worth it. Take it from a girl who knows, your kids will look back and those quality moments will mean the world to them. It'll be something that molds them as a person and something that they appreciate with their whole heart. My older 3 kids will all be in school come August and that crushes me but also has one perk. I'll have the day to do house work and spend quality time with the baby so I can focus my alone time with the other 3 when they get home and when Brian is home to HELP ME. It's sad though for obvious reasons. My babies are getting big and I hate the idea of not having them all home with me. I feel lost without them and like I can't ever relax or breath good when I don't have them in my sight. Thank God for teachers that we all know who I can text every day and thank God that this baby isn't planned to be our last because I'd have some major depression issues in 4-5 years if it was. I know that official empty nest day is coming but I'm so happy to be pushing it off as long as I can. I wish that I could of pushed it off longer with my older three. 

Starting Fresh: Moving Into a New Home, Spring Cleaning, & Nesting All in One

As most of you know we are currently building a home and pregnant. Our builder recently told us that in his experienced opinion we'd be able to move in to the new house in 8 weeks from now. I am 15 weeks from my due date so that timeline thrills me. Even if I deliver a little early or it takes him a little longer to finish the odds are still really great that we will be living in the new house when the baby is born. We are currently living in a small 2 bedroom cabin. We have our couch, recliner, 2 beds (just the frames and mattresses not the headboards), a dresser, a small cabinet, and a toy box in here. I brought around 15 towels and only the shoes/clothes that we currently wore. I packed away everything else that survived the purge when we moved and put it into storage. When you have to pack up a 3000 square foot house you quickly realize three things. One, you don't actually use a lot of that space. Two, you have way too much stuff that you don't need. Three, you're cleaning more space than you should be. All of this factored into my choice to purge most of our stuff and to down size a bit on our new house. After living in a very small cabin I'm spoiled to not having to clean a lot of space. This has urged me to utilize our new home for practicality. That starts with getting rid of more stuff before we ever move in. A few days ago I went to check the storage units for a plastic tub of maternity clothes and as I was looking for that tub I realized that even with purging more than half of our things when we moved out of the old house, it wasn't enough. I saw a lot of clothes that hadn't been worn much or were outgrown/out of season and decided to give them all away too. I only saved the brand new or special baby items that were the kids, nice dress shirts and pants of Brian's, and basically nothing of mine because I'm a lot smaller now than those sizes were. Everything else was donated. I also saw decor and furniture that I won't be using in the new place because I changed the themes in most of the rooms so that stuff will be donated too when we move. My goal is for this move to be a totally fresh start. Only the best survives ha. The move will be my spring cleaning for the year and preparing an entire house to be 'home' will definitely satisfy my nesting urges. It will be a very busy time for sure. We will set up the furniture in the bedrooms and play room first then set up the main living area/kitchen furniture while we have everyone there to help. Since we down sized so much on stuff we will be able to move in all of the furniture in one day. From there it'll be me adding decorative touches to each room and organizing/unpacking things and putting them into their new place. Call me crazy but I actually day dream about putting the house together and watching it all unfold. I'm pumped about the moving in process and decorating. It's going to feel so nice to have fresh start especially with us expecting a new baby. I've gotten most of the decor for it so I can picture in my head where everything is going to go. My grandma is the queen of organizing and laundry so she's going to come over to help me pack away the closets and play room. My mom is the queen of decor so she's going to help me hang all of the stuff on the walls. I won't be able to do the nursery fully until the baby is born but I have picked paint colors for both sexes and my mom will pick the right one up while I'm still in the birth center/hospital. She's going to paint the baby's room and put the bedding/changing pad cover on before we come home so at that point I'll only need to get the decor. Knowing me I'll be stopping at Hobby Lobby on my way home from the birth to run in and grab that stuff while Brian sits in the car with baby hahahaha. I've also considered buying decor for both sexes so that mom can set it all up completely before we come home. I'd just take back or resell the stuff that's not the right gender. We will put up the furniture and organize the baby essentials in that room prior to the baby's birth. My mom has ordered the gender specific bedding and changing pad cover already. I didn't want to bring a new baby home and have to worry about finishing the entire nursery so we found the perfect balance to get it finished that first day or two that we are home. I'm so extremely thankful for my mom and all that she does. Planning for this baby without her knowing the sex would have been stressful. She's seriously the best. 

I'm going to set up the swing, pack and play, nursing station, wash all of the clothes and blankets, ect around the house as soon as we get moved in. Those items are all gender neutral and brand new in boxes still. We basically started from scratch with this baby and donated all of our previous baby items. I wanted it that way. After 3-5 kids using those things over the last 6 years I decided that starting over was best. Plus trends are so much cuter now and baby gear has stepped up its safety game. 

I'll also make sure that I have a stock pile of everything that we could possibly need. Diapers (newborn cloth and disposables), wipes, medicines, nail clippers, a variety of soaps and lotions in case there's any allergies, burp rags, clothes, socks, mittens, blankets (swaddlers, receivers, and thicker blankets), breast pump, milk storage bags, markers to mark the bags, pads for post partum bleeding, heating pads for soreness or upset tummy, ect. For the house I will stock up on food, drinks, snacks for the kids, toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, essential oils, laundry soap, dish soap, freezer meals, medicines, ect. I don't want to have to worry about needing stuff but even if I do forget something my mom or Brian can pick it up for me. I just like to be as prepared as I possibly can so I will get these things situated as soon as we move in and make sure to always keep the house stocked.

Obviously anything can happen and we might not be moved in before the baby is born. I could deliver way too early or the builders crew could get behind for some abnormal reason. The odds are in our favor that that won't happen but if it does happen though it's not a big deal as far as baby/house prep goes. I'm going to stock up the cabin and set it up for the baby anyways around 30 weeks pregnant which is a month from now. The new house won't be done by then but it won't be a big deal to move that stuff over when it is done. It'll make me feel better to have the cabin prepared in advance just in case there are any surprises in our plan. I know all too well that plans can change in an instant so I do my best to keep all opinions in mind and be prepared for whatever might come. 

If you're pregnant and moving or nesting my advice would be to simplify your life by getting rid of things that you don't use or need. I've purged things prior to all of my births and it really does make things feel better after you bring a brand new baby home. Also make sure to stay stocked up on things that you'll need around the house and for the baby. You won't want to be worried about grocery shopping those first few weeks home.

 I wish you all the very best of luck. Happy nesting! 

Confessions of a Pregnant Mom with 3 Kids

This pregnancy has been different than my others for many reasons and when I imagine the baby being here I can't help but to be excited about having older children with a newboorn. When my youngest was born my oldest was only 20 months old. I was raising 3 babies ages newborn, 10 months old, and 20 months old. They all required basically the same thing. Two were still in diapers and the other still required my help every single time that she used the potty. Two were still nursing/being bottle fed and one still needed me to assist her too during meal times. One napped constantly and two napped on the same schedule. I truly feel like I had it easy because their growth stages weren't all over the place. They did the same things at the same time and we kept it all flowing along great. I was able to nap a lot during my pregnancy with our oldest because I didn't have any children yet. With our 2nd and 3rd napping was out of the question. When the kids weren't awake and taking up all of my attention, I was needing to put my attention on house chores. 

With this pregnancy my older two girls are in school and my son/youngest is almost 4. He loves nap time so we nap together every day pretty much ha. It's amaze balls. I do house chores while he's eating or building a Lego tower but most of the time he helps me clean. Chores are a breeze these days because we live in a 1000 square foot cabin with less than 1/4 of our belongings. (Post coming tomorrow that stems from that topic) Even when the girls are home it's the same kind of deal. We clean together and I 'touch up clean' while they eat or play. We all take a nap in my bed together. It's so nice to have older children while you're pregnant and I have complete faith that it'll be the same once the baby is born. The kids are very helpful and eager to learn things. Eager to be involved. Sure they bicker daily and make plenty of messes. They are busy, busy, busy but things are still simpler now than it was when they were all 3 babies at once. They aren't as dependent on me and it's just easier. I'm cherishing it a lot because all too soon they will be teens and that scares the shit out of me. I am not ready to raise teenagers. God needs to bless me with more grace before I have to deal with mouthy teens. 

Let's move on from the teen subject before I stroke out ha. 

I know that I'll need to find a balance in how much the baby needs my attention once he or she is born and making sure that the older kids are never left out but I'm not worried about it at all. Just about anything that I do with the baby, the kids can help me do too. We have lots of loved ones to snuggle baby while I spend alone time with my other children. I will not be that mom who sits around holding a newborn all of the time while her older children do their own thing. That's something that I can say with 110% certainty. If baby cries constantly and wants held, I will ask my mom for help. If baby doesn't sleep and that leaves me overly tired, I will ask Brian for help. I've raised 3 kids on my own while Brian worked and aside from rarely asking my mom or grandma to baby sit while I went to a doctors appointment I never asked anyone else for help. Even with that mom didn't baby sit until my kids were older and my grandma just watched them for the first time in the last 3 months but asking for help with the baby is worth it to me if it comes to that. I refuse to neglect my other kids just because we chose to expand our family. Asking my mom to come over and cuddle a fussy baby for a bit in no way makes me reliant on her to raise my kids! I don't see it coming to that but if it does, it does. 

I don't care if I have to baby wear a newborn with 1-3 preschoolers on each hip and my back every day, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that all of my children know that they are still Momma's babies. This was literally my only concern about adding a baby to our family now that there will be such a big age gap (atleast to us it's a big gap). I refuse to fail my kids by constantly taking my attention away from them because we have a new baby. Yes, this could be my last kid and yes, I want to take in every second that I can enjoying baby hood but life isn't just about me and at the end of the day I won't get these moments back with ANY of my kids. I will spend my alone time cherishing coos and tiny baby cuddles when my older kids are in bed, when Brian is holding the baby, or when the kids are at school but when they are home life will revolve around all of my children. To me it's not just about knowing that I never turned my kids away when they wanted to play with me or wanted held. It's about knowing that I went out of my way to hold them and play with them. They didn't have to come to me to get that attention. Obviously with 4 children they are bound to need things at the same time. From the baby crying because he or she needs nursed and an older child crying because he or she fell down to changing the baby's diaper during a brawl between the older kids. I know the chaos of mom life and I know that it almost never goes perfectly but I make it work. I will bandage a boo boo with a baby on my boob. I will wipe a dirty butt while I'm breaking up a fight. I will read a story with 4 kids on my lap. I will do whatever I need to do to DO MY JOB and do it fairly. I have zero doubts about that. I may be bald eventually and my house chores may get pushed to the back burner but I have no doubt that I will do what I was born to do, be a mom. This is the life that I begged God for for a lot of years. This is the life that I pretended that I had since I was 4 years old. This is the life that I told Brian that I wanted on our very first date because he wasn't worth my time if he didn't want this too. This is who I am and this is what makes me, me. Those onry and adorable little humans are my heartbeats and I never want to fail them. I know that I probably will because I make plenty of mistakes but I can sure do my very best to be the mom that they deserve. 

There are zero ways to be a perfect mother but their are a billion ways to be a damn good one. 

Baby Lane's Name Change | Using 2 Middle Names

 

Brian and I spent years trying to decide on our next child's name. Like literally yearsssss! We couldn't agree on anything and honestly when it came down to it we compromised. Neither of us equally loved the names as a whole. I got the first names that I wanted and he got the middle names that he wanted. We do love the meanings of both genders names but I am already feeling like I will regret not using Leighton if we have a girl (pronounced lay-ton not lee-ton). It's been a top pick for me for a good 6 years and it's one of the names that has never left my heart. I really wanted to use it as a first name and spent a lot of time debating that but since all of our girls names end in lee I decided not to do it differently with our next girl. 

We are officially changing our girls name to Eilee Leighton Louise Lane. Yes, I'm not kidding. It's long and unconventional but we don't care. Louise is special to Brian and Leighton just won't leave me alone so the only fair thing to do is to use both. Eilee is a given as the first name. It's not only after my grandma but it's also super unique and ends in lee. It's perfect. 

Some people make comments like 'that poor kid is going to have it rough learning his/hers name at school' but that's an ignorant assumption. Most parents that give their children 2 middle names use one of the names solely as a legal name sake. A legacy of their loved ones passed on through a documented name. The child typically only goes by 2 names just like anyone else.

For example: we are teaching our almost 4 year old son how to write his name and he goes by Hudson Joe, his middle names, so those are the names that he is learning to write. Brian was a name sake after his father. It was never a name that he was going to go by. Sure some day he might want to be called Brian and if that's the case it's his choice but for now he goes by Hudson. Not to mention that most kids only are taught their first and last name in school prior to learning how to spell/read. They aren't taught their whole name early on. That's something that I've worked on with my kids on my own.

Another comment I hear is stuff about a long monogram. Firstly, who the hell cares if it's a long or off monogram? Secondly, I've never had that issue with Hudson. If I want to do a monogram type of thing I either just do an H or I just do HLJ.

If baby #4 is a boy he will go by Granger Wayne. Claud is about legacy. Same if baby #4 is a girl. She will go by Eilee Leighton (I may call her by Leighton. That'll just depend on what she looks like to me once I meet her, if it's a her). Louise is about legacy. Also the same if baby #5 is a boy. He'll go by Nash or Rafe Perry. Andrew is the legacy. 

Some people may say that it's pointless to give a kid 3 names when you know that they won't go by 1 of them but that's also an ignorant statement. One most likely made by someone who doesn't care at all about family or name sakes. It's the meaning that matters to us and when you don't know the gender of your baby or if it'll be you last baby of that gender you want to be sure and get in all of the name sakes that you can. 

I feel strongly about this subject for a few personal reasons. I changed my legal name at 25 years old because I wanted to include both of my parents in my name. My birth name was Cally Ann but I changed it to Callee Jo'Ann. Callee because I've spelt it that way since 6th grade and Jo'Ann after my dad's middle name, Joe and my moms name, Le'Ann. When I asked my parents how they'd feel if I changed my name they both got emotional. My mom said that she regretted not naming me that to begin with and my dad was so proud. He wanted to name me Cally Jo but my mom won the coin toss. Literally ha. Also I've mentioned this in a previous name game post but when we named our oldest I had regrets. I wish that we had named her Charlee Grace rather than Charlee Noelle. Brian picked her names and at the time I intended on calling her Ellie after her middle name but the second that she was born I knew that she was a 'Charlee' and I instantly wanted to change her middle name but I didn't. I should have followed my gut! It would of saved me a lot of time and money in the end because I am in the process of changing her name legally. We call her by Charlee Grace anyways. Grace was my great grandma's name and it's very special to my dad plus it's a beautiful name so it's perfect for us all around. 

My point of this blog post is to say that names should ALWAYS be personal! Whether it's a family name that's special or a name that you just can't get out of your head, it's about you and your spouse. You have to go with your gut. If you don't just love a name that's special to your spouse, that's okay. You can both get what you want. There are no rules on naming YOUR CHILD. Give that baby 10 names if you want to. Give him or her 1 name. My mom doesn't have a middle name and it names her unique. You can't go wrong if you follow your heart.

D

Five Years Ago Today

Five year ago today my dad had open heart surgery. I'll never forget sitting in a waiting room full of family and friends stalking a phone that kept us updated as his surgery progressed. I cried the entire surgery. I was pregnant with our Andee junior and ended up going into labor 5 months early that same night. It was extremely hard for me all around. My best friend was as fragile as I'd ever seen him and I was on the verge of delivering our baby way too soon. Thankfully they were able to stop my labor and my dad made it through surgery well. One of the most beautiful moments of my life was walking into his hospital room after his surgery and him looking at me, smiling, then giving me a big thumbs up. That man is everything that a hero could be. He, in my eyes, is flawless. I learned so much about life that day. It was the first time that something truly heart wrenching happened to me. It was the first time that I realistically felt what it would be like to live life without my loved ones. It changed me. I didn't sweat the small stuff anymore. I didn't take things for granted like I did before. I spent more time with my family. I said 'I love you' way more. I cherished good health and happiness. Stuff that we all take for granted and don't even realize it. 

Now, I've known much harder and sadder times but the lesson is always the same. CHERISH WHAT YOU HAVE! Cherish your family. Cherish your health. Cherish your friends. Cherish simple and uneventful life. Love with everything that you have and don't hold grudges. Don't have regrets. Live life full heartedly. 

Raising Responsible Children

Something that's always been important to Brian and I is that we raised our kids to be responsible and hard working. We want them to always know life with responsibilities and goals. At a very young age we started giving the kids chores that were age appropriate and as they've grown, so has the chore list. From putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket to putting away toys and several other things in between. Some people do a rewards system for chores but we do not. We believe that responsibilities should be expected and achieved no questions asked. To reward them for chores insinuates that chores are an option and in our home they are not. We do however, praise the kids a ton for doing their chores because they are still young and this encourages them. 

Now, we do give them a dollar for outside work like helping their papa at the tire shop or washing a cow that are not theirs. We aren't slave drivers or uptight ha. And we do give rewards for good behavior, good grades, learning new things, going out of their way to be kind, ect. There's a even boundary of doing their 'work' because that's their responsibility and being rewarded for doing good things that weren't asked of them. 

I've posted a blog entry over age appropriate chores in the past but instead of sharing a chore list that is age specific for all ages, I'm just going to share our current chores list. It'll probably change when our new house is built because there will be more work to do. 

*You can find a ton of chore lists for certain ages on the internet if you're looking for ideas by age. 

Because our children are so close in age their chores are identical pretty much. We just alternate who does what jobs each week.

Charlee, Andlee, and Hudson ages 5, 4, and 3 (almost 4):

-Pick up their toys

-Put dirty clothes into the laundry basket 

-Stack the shoes nicely in the shoe shelf

-Help hang up clean clothes and put the folded ones away

-Feed and water the chickens and dogs

-Sweep the living room and kitchen floor

-Vacuum the bedrooms

-Help make the beds

-Dust the furniture

-Help feed the horses and cows

-Help wash and dry the show cattle

-Help/watch me pay the bills (for exposure and to establish a routine more than anything, eventually I'll teach them how to actually do it)

-Help wash dishes 

-Help/watch Brian and I cook (Cooking dinner has been a couples thing since before we got married. We love to be in the kitchen together. Brian leads the show and I just do the petty work hahaha. He's the chef. I have my specialities that we all love but he's the star. Of course if he's going to be home late I make dinner alone but since we sold the chicken house that rarely happens. He's here a lot and we love it. I can't wait to get moved into our huge new kitchen and cook up a storm as a family. We designed the kitchen just for us and to have a lot of room for the kids to be involved.)

Most of these chores are things that I end up redoing after the kids aren't around to see but that's just because I'm OCD about how stuff is done. The point of chores isn't to take any of the load off of me. It's to teach the kids responsibility and what will be expected of them as adults. Honestly, I could get chores done a lot faster if I just did it myself to begin with but that's not what's important. 

Brian was 28 when we met and his mom still did all of his laundry and his cleaning. She even made his doctors appointments for him. He was taught responsibility money wise and work wise but he was not raised to be a grown single man who could do a women's job himself, aside from being a bomb cook ha. 

I want my son/sons to know how to take care of themselves without the help of a women and I want our daughters to know how to take care of themselves without the help of a man. My son(s) will know how to clean, cook, do laundry, make their own appointments, ect. My girls will know how to shoot a gun, change a flat, work a cow, ect. Gender roles aren't my thing. I want to have independent kids who don't need someone else to do shit for them. I baby them too much as it is so the least that I can do is to raise them not to rely on someone. They'll always be my babies and I'll always be here to help/offer advice but I don't want them to depend on me to do a job for them that they can do for themselves when they are adults. 

Pregnancy Update: Weeks 23 & 24|Preeclampsia Report

Week 23:

-5 lbs total of weight gain

-Acid reflux

-No vomiting

-Craving ice

Week 24:

-5 lbs total of weight gain

-Craving ice constantly

-Lactation (Lots of leakage going on now)

-Acid Reflux

-No Vomiting 

-Baby boy dreams

-Preeclampsia scare at the end of 23 weeks/beginning of 24 weeks

 

PRAISE REPORT!

After a meeting with the midwives and the high risk Doctor they've decided that I'm NOT preeclamptic. I bawled when I got the amazing news. My 2nd round of lab work was normal and my blood pressure has ran perfectly since my last lab testing this past weekend. They said that stress can temporarily cause a rise in blood pressure and that's what they suspect happened. I will still be able to be use the birth center but they will just monitor me closer and transfer me to the high risk Doctor if anything changes again. I've already been accepted by that Doctor so it'll be a simple and fast process to transfer. I'm praying hard that that doesn't have to happen though. I want this baby to bake as long as possible and to stay healthy. No more scares! 

New House Update: Week 4

**This update is late but I wanted to get it in before I did the 8 week update when that time comes. There's been more progress since 4 weeks but I'll share that next time so it's an accurate update for the accurate time frame that it was completed. 

I know that I've said this before but our new house was a vision inside of my head that I couldn't find online. I searched forever and did not find what I wanted as a whole. It always needed modified and changed. We went into building our house basically blind. I sketched down what we wanted and handed it to builder, praying that it worked out. There were a lot of sleepless nights concerned that what I was explaining wouldn't translate the same to the builders and workers. 

However, I am estatic to say that as it comes together, I am absolutely in love. Watching my dream unfold has been so rewarding already. It's also very rewarding to see how much Brian is obsessed with our new home. He totally trusted me without seeing it for himself and it makes my heart so proud that he is loving it as much as I am, if not more. I try not to ever do braggy 'look what we have' kind of posts but I must say that our house is going to be absolutely stunning. I'm sooo proud of it already. Ever single inch of it is us and has our hands in it as well as our families hands. It's a giant labor of love without a doubt. It makes all of our hard work, stress of quitting the job that supported our family, stress of selling and moving, stress of being pregnant while going through such huge changes, and so much more that we have had to endure very worth it. Life since selling the chicken houses has been a complete 180 degree turn. Brian is actually able to enjoy life and relax. We don't have to worry about money and debt like we did before. We get to simply live our lives focused only on the important things. Enjoying time with family, building our dream "mountain like retreat", and preparing for our newest little miracle has been amazing. The build and my pregnancy will be over with soon and that makes me sad but I'm cherishing the journey for sure. 

At this point we were a month into building and here is a quick picture update on the progress at that point:

I will do another update at the 8 week mark. We are currently in the stage of picking out paint colors, rock, flooring, cabinets, light fixtures, ect. Lots of fun stuff and I can't wait to see it all come together. 

 

Newest Pregnancy Update: Preeclampsia Scare

Yesterday I got bad news and it honestly hit me hard. I cried and I panicked a bit. The past few prenatal visits my blood pressure went from being perfect to being borderline high but the urine tests to check on protein in my urine came back normal so we didn't worry much about it. However, last Friday at my prenatal check up my blood pressure was 144/95 so they decided to send me home with a bottle that I'd pee in all weekend and brought back on Monday. It's a more in depth check into the proteins in urine. I truly believed that things would be normal so it kind of shocked me when I got my lab results back. They diagnosed me with mild preeclampsia and told me that I no longer qualified to birth at the birth center. A flood of emotions hit me. There goes my home like water birth. There goes basically all of my labor and birth hopes. There goes my healthy pregnancy. There goes my hopes of carrying the baby past my due date. Just about everything that I had planned went out the door. 

They told me that because of the dangers of preeclampsia I'd have to have the baby early. I'm praying hard that it's not any time soon. I spent all day yesterday trying to get in with their partnering OB but her staff said that she'd need to review my updated case before she accepts me. That had me even more upset because in the past they acted like it'd be no problem to switch to her if I had to so I was expecting to see her yesterday. My previous OB is great but our experience the hospital staff, not so much. They do not have a NICU there and if I had known then what I know now I would of never trusted them with my premature babies. The hospital that partners with the birth center allows water births on a case by case basis but I have to be accepted by Dr. Scally in order to have that opportunity. It was mess to say the least. I'm so concerned with our baby's health. Of course giving up my ideal birth was sad but more than anything I hated the risks to my baby. It gives me a lot of anxiety and PTSD to be dealing with something so dangerous while pregnant. 

However, I should have never doubted God's plan. You'd think that I'd have this engraved into me by now but I am human and I am weak. I spent the day yesterday sad and worried only to find out today that my prayers are being answered yet again. I met with our previous OB to discuss a treatment plan as I wait to be accepted by Dr. Scally. I was surprised to find out that my blood pressure is perfect today and there were no traces of abnormal proteins in my urine. The OB is having me to another 48 hour urine collection to be sent to the lab but in his opinion I'm not preeclamptic. To be safe I've decided to get a 3rd opinion as well so I called my midwives to talk about what I found out today and they said that they would meet with their high risk Doctor tomorrow to go over my case. That doctor will run tests on me and give her opinion but as of right now we officially have a new plan. Depending on my results I will either a) continue my care at the birth center under close observation and be transferred directly to the high risk Doctor if something gets worse or b) I will switch to the high risk Doctor and have the baby at Mercy in Rogers where there's still the option of having a water birth. Of course plans can still go crazy and change but for now it feels good to have things under control. Even if everything does come crashing down again I'm emotionally prepared for that because of this scare. It's been a blessing in ways for that reason. It's a relief that my blood pressure seems better and I'm praying hard for my baby's sake that I'm not preeclamptic and that it was just outside stressers that caused a temporary jump in blood pressure. Ive been monitoring it at home and it's been good there too. 

My lesson from this, letting go of big dreams that you had can be hard. Letting go of a plan that you've had for years can be hard. Letting go of your low risk pregnancy with your much longed for rainbow baby is hard and scary. But there's always more than anyone could imagine for me to be thankful for. My kids are all FOUR healthy and growing. I'm still pregnant with our newest miracle. My family is all healthy and happy. I'm still getting my birth gender surprise. There's still a chance that I can have a water birth even if I deliver in the hospital. There's also still a chance that I can birth at the birth center. My birth with still be photographed and recorded for us to cherish forever. I have so much to be thrilled about and I am abundantly grateful. How or when this baby gets here doesn't matter as long as he or she is born safely and healthy. 

My other lesson/reminder was to always go for 2nd opinions on things. Trust God and don't let the devil's bumps in the road distract you. I got so wrapped up in emotions yesterday that I questioned things that I shouldn't have. I'm ashamed to say that. The devil is sneaky and fake. He doesn't want us to be happy. 

 

Happy Birthday to My Hero

Yesterday was a very special day to me. It was my dads birthday. Of course every year that day is important but this year it was even more so because we truly didn't think that my dad would live to see another birthday. He is my rock and my best friend. All of my life he was my biggest supporter and always had my back. He keeps it real with me when I'm wrong but never judges me. He's seriously the best dad that anyone could ever dream of having. When I try to explain what my heart feels for that man I quickly remember that it's impossible to put it into words. Him and my mom are life to me and I'm so thankful that God gave us more birthdays with him. 

We spent his birthday with his family and we spent it in dads kind of way, fishing. My dad was huge into bass fishing when I was younger. He traveled around the US and Canada to do fishing tournaments for fun. He legit could have done it professionally had he been willing to spend a lot of time on the road. He's a beast at it. It's safe to say that our new place is his dream come true ha. Everyone fished at his party plus we had a fish fry so he not only got to catch some big bass but he also got to eat a variety of his favorite types of fish. It was all in all just a gorgeous and perfect day. Nothing beats time with your loved ones and I'm so glad that we are big into entertaining and having get togethers. 

 

 

 

Family Camping Trips

We spend a lot of time outdoors and absolutely love it. Whether it's planting flowers, playing on the swing set, fishing, swimming, washing the car, working show cattle, taking walks, riding four wheelers, ect: if the weather is reasonable we are outside. Brian and I both were raised in the same small town (about 100 yards from each other to be more exact ha). We grew up doing a lot of the same things outside so our love for it runs deep. Our idea of perfection would to be homesteaders in Alaska off of the grid with only our loved ones near to us. We are major nature lovers. We can't imagine raising kids any other way than to raise them outdoors. 

Every year in April there's a gigging tournament in our town and it's a huge deal. Gigging is the sport of stabbing fish with a gig (typically a 3 pronged gig on a long pole). It's done after dark in a flat bottom boat with lights on the front. The light shines into the water so that the giggers can see the fish to stab them. People come from a lot of different places just to see the take off at the tournament. To explain it as quickly as possible, around 100 boats line up on the creek bank and when the flair goes off the boats all take off at once. It's quite the sight. Dangerous and stressful for this wifey but that whole week leading up to the 2 night tourney is a blast. We make shirts and rep for our team. Last year Brian and his partner got 2nd place out of all of those boats/teams. They have placed every year since they started doing the tournament which isn't surprising seeing how often they go gigging. They gig all year round and Brian has done it all of his life pretty much. He loves it. I actually enjoy it myself. So much so that I tore my ACL doing it a few years ago ha. No, I'm not kidding. Needless to say we spend a lot of time at the creek but during the spring and summer the sun sets later in the evenings which makes it a long night by the time that gigging is done and the fish are cooked. We all know that I'm a schedule kind of gal so late bedtimes aren't my thing. I usually leave the creek early and take the kids home which isn't ideal as often as Brian wants us to go with him. He has wanted a camper for years for this reason and because we love to camp. Yesterday we finally bought one. Our kids are so excited. We are taking it on it's first gigging/camping trip tonight. It's cute how happy Brian is about his newest prize. He went to Walmart all on his own and stocked up on groceries and new bedding just for the camper. He even bought a TV to hang in it so the kids can watch cartoons if they want. It cracks me up. He's like, "Cal you can take the crockpot and make everyone dinner down there. We could just live there all week of the tournament.". We go camping with friends when we go so we rotate who makes meals. Fish gets old after a few nights so we spice it up. Hog frys, gumbo, crock pot meals, grilling, ect. Having this camper will make it so much easier for us because before we borrowed one from family or slept in a tent. 

Here's to camping and enjoying the wild life ha! 

 

Sleep Training: My Thoughts On Certain Techniques

My kids all slept like champs and I truly think that it's because we had a consistent routine. Their bodies naturally knew when it was time to sleep. I never did sleep training in the typical way that you hear about. I don't support or practice crying it out! I have my own strong options on that. Babies cry for a reason and even if it's simply because they want held, that's still a damn reason. 

However, I did sleep train in different way. If my kids woke up on their own (which was surprisingly rare) and I assessed that nothing was wrong I'd sooth them right back to sleep while they were still in their bed. I didn't disrupt them by getting them up or letting them get upset over feeling alone if I was certain that nothing was wrong. I simply sang to them and rubbed their backs or noses until they fell back to sleep. I knew that if that didn't work quickly, because 99% of the time it did, something wasn't right and I had missed it. Either they were gassy and needed burped again or they just woke up scared. They needed something so I addressed it. Babies will tell you when things aren't right. If they wake up and you're able to sooth them straight back to sleep then most likely nothing is wrong. They will wake right back up if it is. If they don't go back to sleep fast then something is probably wrong. Maybe it's gas, a growth spurt so they are still hungry, they had a late/long nap so they aren't tired, they had a bad dream, they woke up feeling alone so they want held, ect. Something needs addressed and there is a reason that they can't rest. Learn to listen to your baby even if they can't talk yet. I usually had to wake my babies up the first few months of their lives to feed them every 3-4 hours because they'd sleep through feedings and I was paranoid about blood sugar issues. Once they got older I did let them sleep longer periods but even as a veteran mom whose raised 3 newborns I will still wake this baby up to feed him or her if baby doesn't wake on it's own. My sleep isn't more important that the risks to my baby. Most people live by 'never wake a sleeping baby' or 'babies will eat when their hungry' but I'm just not on that train. If a baby has jaundice, low blood sugar, isn't feeling well, is emotionally stressed, ect the baby will sleep more than normal/harder even if he or she's body is hungry and a baby skipping feedings can cause health issues that lead to things such a seizures and death. Dramatic but TRUE! Blood sugar problems can very realistically cause seizures that can in return cause a long list of severe possible side effects including brain damage and death. Of course that's not common but the risks still will never be worth it to me. As for the 'never wake a sleeping baby' thing goes, have y'all not heard of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome? Yeah well to put it simply that typically happens when a baby sleeps too deep and their brain forgets to tell their body to take breaths so the baby suffocates. I know 6 women personally and several others through mutual friends who have lost their babies due to SIDS. Sadly it's not super uncommon. 

Sure, if a toddler or preschooler is napping I do avoid sleep disruption (unless it's a late nap) but that's very different than a sleeping baby that hasn't ate in 6 plus hours or has slept deep for a long period. I'll just be honest and say that I think it's pure laziness to not wake your newborn or young infant up to eat. It's easier to let them sleep and basically baby sit themselves than it is to wake them up and take care of them. Nothing anyone can say to me can change my opinion on that. I've had 3-5 kids, 5 of which were under the age of 4 at one point, and if I can say that I will gladly wake a baby up to eat rather than taking the easy way out by risking a blood sugar issue or SIDS then anyone else's arguments on it are completely invalid to me. Same with crying it out. Laziness and borderline not humane.

Obviously if my toddler or school aged kid is throwing a fit for having to sit in time out or for not wanting to share that's one thing because they can communicate what is wrong but a baby has no other form of communication. Crying is their only way of talking to us and despite it being stressful at times to hear, we still have to listen and address the problem. You can't just lock a baby up in a room to cry until it can't cry anymore so it goes to sleep. What's wrong with people? Ugh, clearly this whole topic is touchy for me. Having been a foster mom and done the training to become one I've seen how damaging crying it out for babies can end up being. It truly can cause life long neglect issues inside of that child and it's not okay in my opinion. I wish that I could be fake and say 'Do it if it works for you and don't worry about anything else' but in this case I can't/won't support anything to do with this topic. 

Going From 3 Kids to 4 Kids

Two of the most common things that I get asked by people that know us is, "Are you nervous about going from three to four kids?" and "Are you nervous about starting over after not having a newborn in awhile?". I'm not sure why anyone would think that after having 3 kids that were all born with in a 20 month time frame that I'd get nervous about anything but it surprises me who many people ask me about it. 

They must forget that a year ago I was taking care of five kids ages 12 months to 4 years by myself. Brian worked from 4:30 am to 6-7 pm seven days a week basically and the girls weren't in school yet. I not only took care of five kiddos alone at home each day but I also hauled around those five kids to doctors appointments, the grocery store, to run basic errands, to go swimming at my moms, ect. There's honestly nothing about raising a certain amount of young kids that makes me nervous anymore. Raising teens, now that's another story ha. 

But really, I know what it's like to care for 3-5 kids and even before we had the foster boys I never got nervous about it when I realized that I'd soon be taking care of five kids under the age of four. Everyone adjusted well and it was like we had been doing it forever. 

For me going from one baby to two was by far the hardest. I was so used to giving just Charlee all of my attention that I struggled at first to fall into the flow of dividing my time evenly between a newborn and a barely 10 month old. We caught on though and set a strict schedule. That schedule is what I've used with all of my kids even our bonus boys. I swear by it and swear it's why I had five good sleeping kiddos. After adjusting to having two babies it was a breeze to add more. I tell people all of the time that after having two kids, what's one more? It's all pretty much the same after that point ha. Stick to a schedule and make sure to give them all some one on one time daily and you'll be just fine. Plan to be places an hour early because getting multiple kids ready takes longer than you'd think. You can start getting ready an hour earlier than you're used to and still barely make it places on time. That's really about the only thing that is harder after having more than two kids. Getting them all ready, loaded up, buckled in safely, and to places on time. It's time consuming but you get used to it or if you're like us you just go less places. 

As far as starting over with a newborn after not having one for over four years, I'm not nervous as all. I'm super excited about it actually. Newbornhood is my favorite. My kids are old enough now to get themselves dressed and buckle themselves in. I lay out their clothes for them, fix their hair, and double check their buckles to make sure that they are done properly but other than that it's so much easier now that they are older. It'll be a cake walk having just one baby after raising 3 babies all at once pretty much. I think that my older kids will be very involved with their baby brother or sister and that's something that I've never got to experience. My oldest was only 19 months old when my youngest was born and with the foster boys one of them was already two and the other was a year old so it wasn't like having tiny babies around. My kids were involved as play mates but not very involved during the baby stages. Even with Braydee, our youngest bonus babe, that was a year ago when we had him full time and he was mobile. He was a baby to us but still playmate age. My kids will be much older than they were then when this baby is born. I'm crazy excited to see them interact with their new sibling. They ask me every single night 'how many more sleeps until our baby is here'. It's precious. It makes me curious to see what it'll be like if we have a 5th when they are even older. I picture us having a newborn, 3, 7, 8, and 9 year olds but Brian says knowing me we will be pregnant again by this time next year ha. 

My advice to moms going from 1+ kid(s) to 2+ kids is simple:

S C H E D U L E S are life! 

Even if you have 2-3 kids already, if you've not found the God send of scheduling do yourself a huge favor and do it now. It may be hard at first since your kids aren't used to it but you'll be so thankful when y'all get into the swing of things.

Set one and stick to it at all costs. Get your kiddos into a napping routine at the same time. Bath them at the same time. Feed them at the same time. Do everything at the same time. (This also gives you a break every day during naps to clean and catch up on chores.)

*Obviously with a newborn they sleep and eat way more than toddlers/preschoolers do so at that beginning stage just do your best to keep the older ones doing things together and as baby grows blend baby into their routine. 

I do one on one time once Brian gets home from work which is probably the most important part of our schedule to me. If you are a single parent do an activity that keeps all of the kids busy but devote your time to one of them at a time during that activity. Example, craft time. Set them all around the table and let them all make crafts. Go around the table giving special time to each of them while the others are busy or take one of them at a time away from the table and read them a story or something. There are a lot of ways to squeeze in 'just us' time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Upping Other People

I feel like people these days, moms more specifically, have this instinct to be 'better' than other moms. For whatever reason some focus more on one upping each other than actually being authentic in their motivations for what they are doing. We all see it daily and even I early on in my parenting days felt like I didn't do something good enough because of how much better a 'perfect mom' seemed to do things. 

For me, I've always known that I'd be an over the top mom in ways. I knew that things like birthdays, holidays, bedrooms, special outfits, extra curricular events, ect would be a big deal to me. I can remember being like 12 years old on vacation in Florida with my family and seeing this adorable family of 5 wearing matching aqua and khaki outfits. I instantly thought to myself, 'I want to be just like that someday.'. I wanted to be that cheesy overly involved mother. A soccer mom with a big SUV and perfectly put together kids. I day dreamed about my future family for basically all of my life. I think that I felt that way because my parents always made things a big deal for my brother and I. From one on one Valentine's dates every year with my dad and always making holidays and birthdays super special to never once missing a sporting event or extra curricular event of ours. They were hands on and as involved as a parent can get. Now I do those things for my kids because I know just how important it was for me and just how much it meant to me. I DO NOT do ANYTHING, EVER to one up someone and I will be the first to tell you that my kids look put together in pictures ONLY because the second that I get them dressed, I snap a picture. They don't make it to where we are going without making a mess of themselves. By the time we get to school the girls have already taken their bows out and messed up their hair. Hudson is a human mess maker. He can not avoid getting dirty. It's like dirt stalks him ha. My big nice SUV is the same way. Looks great on the ride home from vacuuming it out but has grass and mud everywhere before the hour is up. Those cute birthday parties and holidays only look that cute in pictures before the house looks like a tornado hit it. Those custom made special outfits never get worn more than once because I wash them then pack them away for keep sakes after the kids wear them just to be safe. I know that these things are a waste of money but all of the extra stuff that I do feels so important to me because I know from experience that someday my kids will look back and appreciate it all. It'll mean something to them that they meant that much to me for me to go completely out of my way to make them feel special. I know that there is nothing that I can do to make them feel as special as they actually are but I want to try. I want them to know that in every little thing that had to do with them, it meant the world to me. No one but them is relevant in my actions and I want all moms to feel that way. Don't feel society's pressure to be a one upper. If your family simply baked a cake together on your birthdays and that's what's special to you, that's as special as it get. That's perfect and that's what family is all about. Just like if your family had extravagant occasions that took months to plan so that's what you want to do with your kids too, you do that. Carry on those traditions. Or if you had a crappy childhood and want to start your own traditions for your kids, go for it. That's awesome. No matter what anyone else is doing, do what you do for you and your family! We can't let other moms or people influence what we do because at the end of the day doing anything at all will be good enough. And if you're the mom who finds yourself with the need to one up everyone else, just stop it. We aren't here to one up one another but to help one another up. 

 

Meeting in the Middle

'll start walking your way and you'll start walking mine, we'll meet in the middle beneath that old Georgia Pine. We'll gain a lot of ground if we both give a little. Ain't no road to long when you meet in the middle.' 

This is quite possibly one of my favorite songs as far as marriage advice goes. It's so simple and can be interpreted a few ways but I think it's crucial marital advice. Marriage is ALL about compromise and sacrifice. You meet in the middle and do things that you might not other wise do for your spouse. From the huge things like career changes and moving to minor things like what you're eating for dinner. The only way that a marriage can truly be successful is if it is full of compromise and compassion. If you both put each others desires and needs first you will always have a mutual respect for one another. Brian and I are naturally stubborn people. We like to do things our own way and don't really like to give up on something that we want or feel. For us compromising wasn't always easy. In fact, most if not all of our disagreements in the first year of our marriage was over us not wanting to 'give up' on what we wanted. We have learned over time just how important compromise is and now it's surprisingly instinctive. We hardly ever have a hard time agreeing. We both have faith in each other and trust one another so we know that no matter what ends up happening or who ends up winning the compromise, it'll be okay. Life for us had held many big choices. Some of which I 'won' and some of which he did. Most of the time we meet in the middle and find a way to both get what we want. For example our last situation was about the new house. I really want distressed antique white cabinets in the kitchen but Brian hates them. I finally decided that I would let him have the cabinets that he wants, a knotty medium/dark wood. A week or so after we came to that agreement we were discussing flooring and wants flooring that matches the cabinets but I love the look of weathered barn wood flooring so he agreed to let me pick the flooring. I'm OCD about a lot of things so I may not like the cabinets with barn wood flooring but we will see. 

That's just a mild example of what our compromises look like. 

In marriage we are faced with choices daily pretty much and compromise is critical. You both have to be willing to give some or else your marriage will be a constant fight. 

Brian and I bicker like all couples but I can honestly say that because we have learned to be great compromisers actual fights are rare. Take it from two of the most stubborn people out there, if we can get to the point of always compromising naturally, any one can. 

To us marriage is just like parenthood. Life isn't about you anymore, it's about your spouse (and your kids when you're a parent).   

Pregnancy Update: Weeks 21 & 22

Week 21:

-Still 4 lbs total weight gain

-No vomiting

-Increased Braxton Hicks contractions

-Increased heartburn

-Craved ice constantly 

-Had the anatomy scan for baby and it went perfectly (I have a blog post about it with details and pictures if you missed that update)

Week 22: 

-4 lbs total of weight gain

-A lot of contractions (sometimes I have more than 5-6 an hour but about the time that I start getting ready to go to the ER they ease up)

-Heartburn and acid reflux daily

-Craved ice and meat (separately not together ha)

-Felt really off towards the end of this week (puked a lot, had back aches, had head aches, just didn't feel myself)

-Switched over to just seeing the midwives at the birth center and met with their partnered OB. Originally I thought that I needed to see both Dr. Hill and my midwives until the baby is born because Hill does ultrasounds to check baby's weight gain but since I know that I will not be delivering with Hill at Siloam Springs hospital I decided to meet with Dr. Scally in Rogers. She's wonderful and I feel great about using her if I risk out at the birth center. I will get a few ultrasounds by her later in my pregnancy to check on the baby's size. This is just standard precautions since I had weight loss surgery a few months before I got pregnant. That was the biggest reason that I was still using Dr. Hill. The birth center doesn't do ultrasounds but thankfully Dr. Scally can. Her office is next door to the birth center so it all just worked out perfectly. 

 

Our Decision On Baby #5

Brian and I have always agreed that 4 children is all that we planned to have. We both love kids and would have more but we felt that we couldn't comfortably support more than 4 children financially and still do/have all of the extras that we are used to. We didn't love our choice in not having more but we understood it and respected it. Brian is the budget guy. He's the one whose great with numbers and money. I'm the type to go shopping and never even look at price tags. I get what I want and that's that. I don't ever question his conclusions on financial matters so for all of these years I didn't bring up the subject of having a 5th baby until a few weeks ago. I jokingly mentioned something about how if this baby is a girl we will just have to try one more time to give Hudson a brother and Brian's reply was 'Maybe, huh?'. I was shocked. I know to most that's super vague and simple. It'd mean nothing to you. But to me it meant everything. It meant that Brian wasn't so sure on us not having more kids. He would of ignored my remark or shot it down right away if he was 110% sure that we have to be done having kids. Later that night after we put the kids to bed I straight up asked Brian if he was still certain that we shouldn't have more than 4 kids. He wasn't! 

Long story short after hours of talking we came to the decision that this baby will most likely NOT be our last baby. We came to that choice for a few reasons. One, we never know what the future holds financially. We don't know what money will be like after I'm working. We don't know how much extra money on top of our incomes that we will be making between the tire shop, lumber jacking, and cattle farming. We don't know if we will win the lottery and get rich over night ha. But even if we had to live on our income right now that brought us to our second reason. Two, money isn't everything and we can live without most of the extra stuff that we have if it came down to it. RV's, boats, tractors, bull dozers, regularly going on nice trips for fun, $5000 vacuum cleaners (yes I paid that for our Rainbow vacuum cleaners... twice), new cars, expensive boutique kids clothes, over the top birthdays and holidays, ect. That's all stuff that can be greatly down sized and if those things had to be given up all together to fit our budget as a bigger family, we'd proudly give it up. Three, we would never under any circumstances regret having more children but we very well could regret not having more. I know that I would. 

We are so happy with our new agreement. I was heartbroken by the thought of never having more kids but I never imagined that we'd end up backing down from that conclusion. Brian had actually mentioned getting a vasectomy because he knows how dangerous birth control is for me and didn't want to risk my health but now we know that he's definitely not doing it. I didn't expect this at all. My entire pregnancy has had a sense of sadness over it because I 'knew' that it'd be my last. Every day that passed was a day being pregnant that I'll never get back. I still hope that I can keep this baby in past my due date so that I get in every minute possible. Every single pregnancy could possibly be a women's last pregnancy. No one can control fate or fertility but now I have much less of a burden on my shoulders about it for sure being my last. I'll continue to cherish each minute as if it's my last but I also get to enjoy it knowing that we are keeping the door open to have another baby someday. I don't know when or if it'll ever happen. We've talked about doing it right away after this baby is born like we did with our older 3 kids and we've also talked about waiting until baby #4 is in school. Heck, we may get all of our kids into school and decide that we don't want to start all over. I doubt that happens but you just never know. What matters is that now we aren't doing anything permanent or hard to reverse to stop our family from continuing to grow and I can start planning for our maybe baby #5. Let the name game begin again 😊

Despite your situation or how many kids you have, growing your family is about doing what's best your specific family. Some people are done and never question it. Some people are forced to be done when they don't want to be. Some people think that they are done then change their minds later in life. Some people leave it all up to God and don't have a plan on when to be done. Some people don't want to grow their family by having any kids at all. Regardless of what you do or plan to do, don't let any outsiders make you question your choice. We get asked often if we are getting fixed after this baby is born and I think that's rude of anyone to say to another person. I'm used to it and not offended by it but I do still think it's rude. We are grown adults who raise our children physically and financially on our own. We don't deserve to have our family size questioned but that's a rant that we've all heard before ha. 

Secondary Infertility & Miscarriage

Miscarriage is heartbreakingly common and it is finally becoming more normal to talk about it openly. Families feel comfortable talking about it because most people these days have sympathy and acknowledge the loss but there are many more topics out there that still go unnoticed/unspoken. Secondary infertility or trying to conceive a baby after miscarriage aren't really talked about. In fact, they are rarely talked about. 

Unless you've been there, most people don't quite understand how much of a struggle it is and how deep the pain is while a couple is going through. Often others down play it when it is brought up because the couple who is struggling has 'already had children' but that's an unfair judgement. Yes, we have children and yes we feel incredibly blessed, thanking God multiple times a day for those perfect gifts.

 However, when you strongly desire to grow your family by another life it is emotionally hard when you fail to achieve that. You imagine that baby being here. You imagine your children being big siblings. You imagine your family complete. Your heart feels so grateful for the lives that you've created but it also longs for a missing piece. This pain is intensified when you're not only trying to grow your family but you've suffered the loss of a baby or babies on top of everything else. At the end of the day you know that if you never are able to grow your family you are blessed beyond measures to have your other children. You accept the fate of giving up having a bigger family but that doesn't come pain free. It's very hard to wonder why the desire for more children is in your heart yet you're struggling so greatly to fulfill that dream. I prayed daily for God to remove that desire if it wasn't meant to be. He never did. In fact, it only grew strong with time. What few of you know is that Brian and I have had multiple losses throughout our relationship. We've had more losses than we've had healthy children. We've spent more months trying to conceive than we've spent actually being pregnant. Creating a family of 6 was very challenging despite what you may think. I have struggled with infertility prior to having any children and again to have our 4th child. The pain is very intense with both situations. Of course with the first there is a stronger sense of mourning because you not only mourn the child that you so desperately want but you also mourn the thought of never birthing your own child or being a mother. I will not compare the 2 situations as far as that goes. There are undeniable differences. However, that does not give anyone the right to down play other infertility or miscarriage situations. The heartbreak is unreal no matter what. We have to stop acting like some peoples struggles are irrelevant or should be ignored.  Even if you've never experienced that struggle you need to have compassion for the people who have. I am 22 weeks pregnant with our 4th living child and every single day still feels like a dream to me. I can't believe that we are finally about to welcome our rainbow baby to our family. I am beyond ecstatic and have a hard time believing that this is finally happening. I prayed for this on a daily basis for years. That's how bad I wanted and how much my heart ached for it.

 I am big on transparency but I am still flawed. The truth is that I lied repeatedly to people about this subject. I'd tell them that I didn't want any more kids anytime soon and blow it off just to lessen the odds of that topic being brought up over and over. It was so hard for me to be asked constantly when we were having another baby. I put up this wall and tried hard to make myself believe my own lie. Only my mom and Brian knew how badly I wanted another baby and that I wanted it to happen asap. I've been off of hormonal birth control since Hudson was 6 months old. We didn't actively try that at first to get pregnant but we didn't really prevent it either. The occasional use of 'pulling out' when I first stopped taking birth control but once Hudson turned 10 months old we did start trying. After a year of failed cycles and 2 chemical pregnancies we decided to do fertility treatments. I did that for 7 months with no success. Our first month after stopping the treatments I ended up pregnant again but lost that baby at 9 weeks along. I went into a big depression after this. I gained 120 lbs over the coarse of a year and was scared to try and get pregnant again. The constant loss was unbearable. We never used protection but I refused to commit to actually trying to conceive. In May of 2016 I knew that I was about to have weight loss surgery so I did start using a diaphragm faithfully but when God has a plan for you, nothing you do will stop it. Without Him we would not have this miracle baby growing inside of me and I'd still be longing to grow my family. Another thing that I was publicly open about was that this baby was a twin. Our church friends and family all new that we were having fraternal twins but I lost the twin prior to announcing this pregnancy. I wasn't open about it because I lost the twin while my dad was in a coma and it's a very swore subject for my entire family especially my dad. He feels like it's his fault but it's not! Not in any way! God has a plan and I'm blessed to be apart of it. He always redeems. After years of loss and let downs I couldn't be more thankful for it all. The good and the bad. The moments of bawling and the moments of pure happiness. What we went through makes this baby and our family as a whole even more special and even more grateful. We have always had so much to be thankful for and at times I have taken that for granted but I still do not think that anyone ever has the right to down play struggled such as these. For me, I wasn't always open about every single chapter in our journey. I was open enough to be there for others who have been through what I had but not open enough to show just how hard it's been. I have all the compassion in the world for any parent going through what I have. Whether it's your first baby or your 10th. Whether you've been trying a year or 10 years. Whether you miscarried at 5 weeks or lost your baby full term. Whether it's your first miscarriage or you've had reoccurring miscarriages like me. My heart is with you and praying for you. I believe with my entire soul that God always redeems what is lost and that even if it's not the way that we imagined, we will be rewarded. I pray that every single one of you who are going through hard times to start or grow your family soon recieve the desires of your heart.