Unless you've been there, most people don't quite understand how much of a struggle it is and how deep the pain is while a couple is going through. Often others down play it when it is brought up because the couple who is struggling has 'already had children' but that's an unfair judgement. Yes, we have children and yes we feel incredibly blessed, thanking God multiple times a day for those perfect gifts.
However, when you strongly desire to grow your family by another life it is emotionally hard when you fail to achieve that. You imagine that baby being here. You imagine your children being big siblings. You imagine your family complete. Your heart feels so grateful for the lives that you've created but it also longs for a missing piece. This pain is intensified when you're not only trying to grow your family but you've suffered the loss of a baby or babies on top of everything else. At the end of the day you know that if you never are able to grow your family you are blessed beyond measures to have your other children. You accept the fate of giving up having a bigger family but that doesn't come pain free. It's very hard to wonder why the desire for more children is in your heart yet you're struggling so greatly to fulfill that dream. I prayed daily for God to remove that desire if it wasn't meant to be. He never did. In fact, it only grew strong with time. What few of you know is that Brian and I have had multiple losses throughout our relationship. We've had more losses than we've had healthy children. We've spent more months trying to conceive than we've spent actually being pregnant. Creating a family of 6 was very challenging despite what you may think. I have struggled with infertility prior to having any children and again to have our 4th child. The pain is very intense with both situations. Of course with the first there is a stronger sense of mourning because you not only mourn the child that you so desperately want but you also mourn the thought of never birthing your own child or being a mother. I will not compare the 2 situations as far as that goes. There are undeniable differences. However, that does not give anyone the right to down play other infertility or miscarriage situations. The heartbreak is unreal no matter what. We have to stop acting like some peoples struggles are irrelevant or should be ignored. Even if you've never experienced that struggle you need to have compassion for the people who have. I am 22 weeks pregnant with our 4th living child and every single day still feels like a dream to me. I can't believe that we are finally about to welcome our rainbow baby to our family. I am beyond ecstatic and have a hard time believing that this is finally happening. I prayed for this on a daily basis for years. That's how bad I wanted and how much my heart ached for it.
I am big on transparency but I am still flawed. The truth is that I lied repeatedly to people about this subject. I'd tell them that I didn't want any more kids anytime soon and blow it off just to lessen the odds of that topic being brought up over and over. It was so hard for me to be asked constantly when we were having another baby. I put up this wall and tried hard to make myself believe my own lie. Only my mom and Brian knew how badly I wanted another baby and that I wanted it to happen asap. I've been off of hormonal birth control since Hudson was 6 months old. We didn't actively try that at first to get pregnant but we didn't really prevent it either. The occasional use of 'pulling out' when I first stopped taking birth control but once Hudson turned 10 months old we did start trying. After a year of failed cycles and 2 chemical pregnancies we decided to do fertility treatments. I did that for 7 months with no success. Our first month after stopping the treatments I ended up pregnant again but lost that baby at 9 weeks along. I went into a big depression after this. I gained 120 lbs over the coarse of a year and was scared to try and get pregnant again. The constant loss was unbearable. We never used protection but I refused to commit to actually trying to conceive. In May of 2016 I knew that I was about to have weight loss surgery so I did start using a diaphragm faithfully but when God has a plan for you, nothing you do will stop it. Without Him we would not have this miracle baby growing inside of me and I'd still be longing to grow my family. Another thing that I was publicly open about was that this baby was a twin. Our church friends and family all new that we were having fraternal twins but I lost the twin prior to announcing this pregnancy. I wasn't open about it because I lost the twin while my dad was in a coma and it's a very swore subject for my entire family especially my dad. He feels like it's his fault but it's not! Not in any way! God has a plan and I'm blessed to be apart of it. He always redeems. After years of loss and let downs I couldn't be more thankful for it all. The good and the bad. The moments of bawling and the moments of pure happiness. What we went through makes this baby and our family as a whole even more special and even more grateful. We have always had so much to be thankful for and at times I have taken that for granted but I still do not think that anyone ever has the right to down play struggled such as these. For me, I wasn't always open about every single chapter in our journey. I was open enough to be there for others who have been through what I had but not open enough to show just how hard it's been. I have all the compassion in the world for any parent going through what I have. Whether it's your first baby or your 10th. Whether you've been trying a year or 10 years. Whether you miscarried at 5 weeks or lost your baby full term. Whether it's your first miscarriage or you've had reoccurring miscarriages like me. My heart is with you and praying for you. I believe with my entire soul that God always redeems what is lost and that even if it's not the way that we imagined, we will be rewarded. I pray that every single one of you who are going through hard times to start or grow your family soon recieve the desires of your heart.