Marriage — The Right Way to Fight

Marriage is so hard a times and the way that we address those hardships can often be a fight or a disagreement. It took Brian and i many years to learn how to fight the safe way. For most of our marriage when we’d fight, Brian would not fight back with me. He’d do and say whatever it took to make the fight disappear. He was a chaser. If I’d leave or walk away he’d come running begging me to stay. He’d do whatever it took to make me happy. I abused that. I abused it because i never really knew when he disagreed. He never told me that. He just told me what i wanted to hear. And i didn’t pry. I just let it be with me always getting my way. As his wife i should have been more attentive. I should have recognized that he ALWAYS did he same thing in a fight and that there was no way that he always agreed with me. He also hates conflict which should have been my other sign that he wasn’t being honest about his feelings. After many years of that pattern, he grew to resent me for making him always be the problem solver. I was 19 when we got married and to say that i was immature is a vast understatement. I was spoiled and a hot head. I was a fighter. Always ready to throw down with anyone who crossed me. The fact that he tolerated me with such grace, blows my mind. Anyways that resentment turned into anger. Fighting changed when Brian changed. He became harder emotionally. We are both stubborn and passionate people. We are very set in our ways and strong willed. We got to the point where we would fight fire with fire. Things could get very intense. We’d say mean things. Slam doors. Leave. Ect. We got to the point where we almost separated because we both had done so much damage to the other person with our words. Long story shorter, almost splitting up changed me which in return changed us both for the good. It changed us in a way that I’d give just about anything to of been like that early in our marriage. Brian and i walk away if it feels like things will get heated but that rarely happens because we are totally transparent with our thoughts. We can talk it out calmly. We do not raise our voices. That may sound childish or dumb but we just don’t do it and it made a huge difference. Neither one of us can handle hurting the other ones feelings in authentic moments so we have good heart to hearts and work it out peacefully if we stay open hearted. Sometimes we simply do not agree. In those cases we drop it and have to just respect each others differences. We are both tender now and before we were fierce. We had built walls and we were guarded. Fighting wasn’t really common but it wasn’t a safe place when it did happen. It was unstable and we got ugly with our words. My most important piece of advice is this, communication is key. Be open and stay calm during fights. Always be raw with your feelings. Do not patch work a disagreement by saying what the other wants to hear just to make the fight temporarily go away. Also don’t let one person carry the weight of being the giver. It should be a shared load. One shouldn’t be giving more than the other. One shouldn’t be the side that’s always making things better and giving into the other person. That’s not fair or loving. When you are in love, you are mush for the other persons feelings. When they are broken or sad, you feel broken and sad. When they wear their heart on their sleeve, you protect that sleeve. You hold it near and are it’s armor. When you stay kind and gentle during a fight you fight kind and gentle together. You resolve things effectively, quickly, and lovingly. In return, your entire relationship shows it. You shine for one another. You find a contentment that never goes away. You feel that innocent love that is fairytale like. Even in a fight. That mushy lovey dovey aspect is still there. I’ve been married for 9 years on August 1st (together for 10 years) and i have never been happier marriage wise. I have never felt more love for Brian than i do today. I love the way that he loves me and i love that when we argue it’s a safe place. Life is far from perfect. We have plenty of reasons to stress and be sad but our marriage is one of the constant lights in our lives. It’s so peaceful and cozy — as it should be. Don’t get me wrong, we have had a great marriage in general. We wouldn’t have made it this far if we hadn’t. But when it came to fighting we never got it right. It was either one always giving and one always taking or it was us both going all out in anger. It left a mark on us and that made us feel like we needed to protect ourselves when we’d argue. There was that ‘I’m watching my back’ vibe. You do not realize how much tension that can create even when you aren’t fighting. Changing that changes everything. I have always been honest about us. I’ve shared the ups and the downs and I hate that whole braggy, my perfect little marriage shit but i have to say that i feel that way about my marriage since we changed the way that we fight. I feel like marriage is a learning and growing together kind of thing but once you get it all figured out, nothing beats the truly beautiful place that you find yourself in. I can be watching a cheesy love story on TV in my room and literally get up and walk into the living room JUST to sit on Brian’s lap to cuddle because i miss him. I see those dorky romantic stories and feel excited about my own dorky romantic love life. He makes me so pathetically happy. I’d walk through the fires of our struggles over and over again to know what i know now. I hope this post saves some of you a lot of time and hardship. Take what i say to heart. You will not regret it.