It is with a shattered soul that i write this. On May 11th my papa, Jerry Wayne Noblin, passed away. Two days earlier he was put into the hospital with chest pains. A test revealed that his heart wasn’t working well and his kidneys were shutting down. He was scheduled to be transferred to have open heart surgery on May 11th but passed away just as the life flight arrived. My phone rang at 6:22 in the morning that day. It was my dad and i knew before i even answered what had happened. I have never felt or reacted in a way that i did at that moment. I blacked out in a way but i remember screaming. Crying. Throwing up. Shaking. Not being able to stand up. My entire world stopped. Time stood still. That day was the longest day of my life and every day since has gotten harder. I don’t know how to live my life without my papa.
If you know me you know how much my family means to me. You know that I’m always at my grandparents house visiting them. You know that I’m the party planner of the family and I’m always bringing us all together. This is my worst nightmare — losing a loved one. Every day that passes with out him just gets harder. Yesterday marked a week since i had last talked to my papa. He and grandma kept Eilee while i ran to the gym and as i was leaving he said, “Get out of here mama. Go enjoy yourself. We’ve heard a crying baby before!”. I left there and called Brian to laugh with him about that and brag how awesome papa is. (Grandma too of course) Considering him in past tense is a nightmare. I get physically sick when i think about it. The heaviness of his loss is like being ran over by a semi. I will never be the same. We as a family will never be the same. This world will never be the same. There isn’t a person that I’ve ever known who had more special things that made them stand out, than my papa did. His little sayings like “Isn’t it great, isn’t it grand!” and pet names like “little dandy’s/little darlin’s”. His love for super old time county music, cow auctions, and poker games on the computer. The way that he yelled “HUH?” when he couldn’t hear you which was 99.9% of the time. The way that he made a twiddling “do to do to do”ish sound as he slid around dancing and moving his fingers up and down. How he shook hands and gave hugs with all of his might which happened to be A LOT. His squeezes are the best. The way that he runs Eilee’s fingers through his beard and makes noises as she laughs at him. He also tickles her belly with his face. They absolutely adore each other and spent a lot of time together. I see him in her often. The way that he could never pass up on an opportunity to hear the latest gossip. The way that he’d flop down into his chair, pat his lap, and say, “Bring me that baby, mom!” to my grandma every single time that i was over there. The way that he was so fun to sneak up on and scare because he never heard you coming. The way that he ate up his grand babies and lived for his family. How he’d never let you get down or sad because he’d straighten you out by telling you that “it’s okay, that’s life”. He’d always have the tv up so loud that you couldn’t hear yourself think. His ability to be the most frugal man on the planet yet be so giving at the same time. How he was a little flirt and got away with it because he was so hilarious. I could seriously go on and on about the thousands of quirks that papa has. If you know him, you know exactly what i mean. He is hands down one of a kind and the absence of his presence is undeniably tragic. It makes it hard to breath or to want to get out of bed. It’s extremely painful not to have him here the way that we are used to having him here but I know that he’s still here in spirit. Listening to our latest gossip. Judging our financial choices. Laughing at his grand kids. Eating up all of the visitors that we’ve had and enjoying all of the food. I would give just about anything to have more time with him but i am deeply thankful for the time that i did have and for being blessed to have him as my papa.
Guys, LISTEN TO ME! Take pictures with your loved ones. Spend time with them. Enjoy them. Tell them that you love them and hug them ‘bye’ every single time that you part ways. The last thing that i said to my papa was “I love you, we will see you tomorrow.” and I’m so thankful for that. He gave me a strong hug (as always) and told me that he loved me too. Don’t take life for granted. Don’t say to yourself, ‘Oh it’s okay, I’ll get a picture with him next time when i look better.’. I have regrets. Regrets that haunt me and always will. Save those videos of your family. Save those voice mails. I’ve listened to my papa’s messages and watched his videos of him with Eilee a million times. You realize very fast after a loss that you put too much care in stupid shit. Who has what home. Who always feels the need to ‘one up’ you. Who drives what car. Who posts dumb things online. Who is fake. Who says what about who. Who has how many kids. Who, who, who. Other people that don’t matter at all. Don’t be self absorbed. Don't be vain. Don’t focus on the random ‘who’s’ of the world. Focus on the ones that matter. Don’t focus on what you don’t have. Focus on the people that you DO have.
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